It's all in your court now

I don't really have anything to update with, I just wanted to put something in here. Nothing's changed emotionally for myself yet, and it won't until something happens physically, so.. I just I'll just have to wait. And wait. And wait. And then be disapointed. Because that's how it's going to happen. At least that's how I see it happening. But then again, I'm usually wrong about everything. But not about this shit so far. Not yet.

I don't have anything to write here because anything I'd want to write would be something I've already written. I haven't had any new thoughts or ideas lately regarding anything me-wise. But I guess people just don't realize how long time stretches out in the summer. Do you have any idea how long a week feels? I do. I sure as fuck do. And the longer it goes on the exponentially longer it feels. God. Something needs to happen soon.

Well.. I added a picture to the side of the journal. It's just something I was messing around with last night. Actually, I did all of it this morning, because I was staying up late last night to finish it, and my mom woke up and started yelling at me for being up at 3:30, so I quickly tried to save everything, but when I looked for it this morning it was all gone. So I started over from scratch. Oh well. It was better this time anyway.

I really miss what my late nights used to be like. Insert disapointed sigh here.

I want to come to Alderaan with you and become a Jedi

(excuse the geektalk) Collin is just plain wrong on this. The reason "midichlorians" from Episode I: The Phantom Menace are so bad is because it completely destroys the idea of anybody being able to become a Jedi. It makes it an eleetist regime.

When Luke is on Tatooine and is talking to Obi-wan, he implies though what he says to show that with hard work, patience, and perseverance, anyone can become a Jedi. This is especially shown in how he says "You must come to Alderaan with me, if you are to become a Jedi." He has no way of knowing if Luke is force-sensitive or not. If we take the prequels as canon (which I generally don't - they're just one big fanfilm made by Lucas, imo), then Qui-gon had to take Anakin's blood sample to make sure that he was force-sensitive.

That's part of the magic. As a little kid, you dreamt (well.. people like me did, anyway) of becoming a Jedi Knight, and then you learn that there are little things floating around in your blood that tell you if you can move objects around with your mind, influence other's thoughts, fight with lightsabres, etc. Its total crap. Collin thinks that Obi-wan in no way implies that any person could become a Jedi if they wanted to. But he is obviously wrong.

But then again... you can take midichlorians to just show the current condition of your blood. But then that doesn't make sense that Anakin has more than Yoda even though he hasn't been trained and he's 10. Even though he is the chosen one (and yes. he is.) having a count that high with no training doesn't make senese.


Ok.. done with the geeky stuff. An interesting development... my mom bought some "Jaffa Cakes" for some reason.. I had no idea what they were at the time, but back when I went to the IGN messageboards (before they went uber-insider-suck) they were a big joke there. Now I know they really suck. God that stuff is terrible. Who's idea was it to combine jelly and chocolate? Gag.

:D <-- this.. is not how I'm feeling lately. Just though I'd get that out there. I'm just tired all the time.. and it has nothing to do with sleep. I need some sort of change in my life right now, and I just hope school brings that.

Oh yeah.. and I'm a hero! I got Sam's Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Red Dwarf Season I DVDs and Collin's Clerks cartoon DVD back from Stephanie's today. Well.. my mom was going to help them finish moving in and I asked her if she could get them. Yay!


..and he waits, and waits, and waits...

Some insightful words

"I don't like making plans with people very much. I like to know that the person wants to hang out with me and not just the other way around. So I wait. I guess not interacting with people is mostly my fault. Sure, I get the rare 'Hey wanna do something this afternoon?' But nothing other than that.

I couldn't have put that better if I took a month to type it.

That van is helluva fast, sucka!

Added a general comments for all you foolios. It's on the right, under Links. Put your name with your post :|

On an unrelated note...

"I know that this will all be read aloud at some point by other people, and mocked of course (because that's what friends do *cotinues sharpening knife*), so with that in mind.."

See? David knows what I'm talking about. This is how guys act. This is what most girls just don't get. See? It wasn't a mean thing to post in Evan's journal while he was gone. It's just what male friends do, because we're all assholes.

He sighed, and they all took it wrong

It's amazing, amazing, how the things people say and what they do are completely different, even though they mean it. And I'm pretty sure she did. I think. It's the little things like this that start breaking your spirt. Little by little they just start tearing tiny parts of your life apart without even realizing it. Its fantastic. It's just the little things. Dozens, and dozens of them that don't mean anything on their own. But they start adding up. And adding, and adding, and soon enough you can't convince yourself that it's just a small little thing that doesn't matter, and that their motives are completely harmless and it starts eating at you.. It really makes me want to give up...

I don't really have much else I want to write about now.. I saw Erin up at the mall. Don't think she saw me. I wish she had, just so I could have seen what she would have done. If she would have talked to me I could finally relax about all of that. Eh, just something for the future to think about.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Waaah! Well that ruined my fun time. I had this great little scenario where I would show up at school the first day and in Hosbond's advanced speech class, I would see Erin and pretend that nothing happened. It would have been so great. Purely for my own enjoyment, just for fun, but it would have been great. But of course that would never have happened anyway because we'll probably see each other in Hosbond's room before school, but still. A guy has to have his little fantasies.

But, anyway, I saw her today. First time in 2 months. When I was wandering around town today, I saw a sign on the square for a Celtic music festival, so I decided I'd go to it purely because I happen to enjoy Celtic music. The though didn't even cross my mind till Sam K. mentioned her during the concert that Erin would be there. Or maybe I had thought of it before. But that isn't the point. The point is that I didn't go there because of her. Listen to me.. I sound like I'm defending my honor or something.

Anyway... I saw her with her dad across the square and assumed there was no way in hell she'd ever come over to me. Anyway.. Talon was there at the beginning and he eventually came over. Actually, Sam K. was the first one to come and sit with me, but she wandered off to look for Erin as she had stuff to return to her. So Talon came over and we started talking, then Sam came back, then Sam G. showed up, then Sable, and.. it was a big party. Not really. But Sam and Sable eventually went over and talked to Erin, and when they came back brought her with me. At the time I was talking to Sam G. about Quinn for some reason, and when Erin came over, I paniced. I wanted to display a comfortable, cool, calm manner to her, so I gave her a little wave and looked at her. She smiled. It was nice. But I'm a coward, so, instead of saying something to her like I should have, I quickly thought up something to say to Sam about Quinn which I wouldn't have even brought up if Erin hadn't come over. I just babbled on as if I were in the middle of a conversation and had no time for her, which is exactly opposite of what I wanted to do.

But.. yeah.. so then she left with Sam and Sable to the coffee house I guess. She didn't ever come back, but I know she stuck around because Evan said later that he saw her, when he showed up. Talon and I always seem to be able to talk to each other pretty easily, and since Sam and Sable had gone, and Sam was on the phone with you-know-who (well.. actually.. you dont, most likely), Talon and I just talked for a while. Then Bryan showed up and I didn't want to be around him anymore so Talon and I got up and left and started walking around. We just talked about stuff, anything and everything for a while.. mostly women and Everquest (you wouldn't think those two would fit into a conversation together, usually, unless its "women don't play everquest" or some such nonsense).

Well anyway.. there was this really hot girl at the concert that both Talon and I had individually spotted earlier on, and we talked about for a very short peroid of time. Eventually, we found ourselves at one of the far corners of the square, and the hot girl and her friend (known to Sam and myself as Jasmine) came by and sat on a bench conspicuously close to us. Both of us panzied out, and after a while of sitting there they left and came back once or twice, without us talking to them. Not like I could have in any other situation. That's just not the kind of person I am. But anyway.. the entire night she kept looking over at Talon and I (Talon or I?), and finally much later on in the evening when they were leaving, she walked past us and gave us this very obvious glance and smile. Ask Evan or Talon. It was like.. whoa. Though I'm guessing it was towards Talon, but that isn't the point. She gave us this sort of mischevious, flirty, sexy grin. It was awsome.

Sweet, sweet ass. Anyway.. after a while we wandered back to Talon's. His dad is really cool. We talked about sex and drugs and stuff, but also about PWNAGE and waffles (waffles = women, though). Then I came back here and did nothing.

..I had a dream about the beaver last night. That was cool.

Tonight I'll probably have a dream about that hot girl. Or Erin. Or have wonderful, wonderful dreams about.. well, I can't really write that here, but.. If you're Sam you probably know what I'm talking about. Eh, we'll talk about it tomorrow on the way up to IA city probably anyway. But maybe I'll leave off my music tonight. I started doing it to drown out my dreams, but now I just enjoy hearing good music as I fall asleep and wake up. But it does kill the dreams. Or at least my rememberance of them, most of the time.

I like what I did today. I went out by myself, borrowed a good book from the Library, went to the coffee house and the concert, by myself. I'm sick and fucking tired of waiting for other people to do stuff with me. I decided to have some fun for myself, even though I usually don't have fun by myself. I wish Collin was here. I think he's the only one I'm comfortable with calling up and saying like "you want to do something today?" It's weird. Everyone's probably noticed how I never call anyone. I never call someone up and say "Hey, what are you doing?" because I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I wait for other people to do it to me. And I hate that. But it isn't going to change.

Though I do wish Collin was here. It isn't like I ever did anything with him when he was, but today I really felt would have been nice if he were here. I doubt I would have called him up to see if he wanted to do anything, but it's a possiblity. Guess you don't miss someone till they're gone. Oh well. Hope the french don't make him suck. Unless its the suck face kind. Then.. happy for him. Bastard.


Walken for Wonka!

Well that was interesting..

Ok.. So today I sat around for 7 and a half hours for something to do, which, of course, never works, but I can't seem to have fun on my own, so I thought I'd take a walk. I didn't know where to, but I just started walking. I went down a dead end street I'd never been down before, which ended up at the side of the practice field by the school. I enjoyed the view for a while, taking in something from a different angle and realized that our school's grounds and the actual building itself are actually kind of beautiful. I then started down to the stream to revisit a spot that holds a sentimental value to me, when i saw.. a beaver.

Yes. That's right. A beaver.


Yeah. One of these.

I didn't even know beavers lived in Iowa. It was just sitting there. At first I wasn't sure if it was like.. a groundhog or something, so I stared at it for a while from about 100 feet away. Now, I don't really know anything about beavers aside from what I learned on The Angry Beavers, so I didn't know if this thing would let me get near it. So I slowly, very slowly started walking towards it. Probably about 3 or 4 steps every minute. Really slow. The beaver saw me. He kept looking at me, studying me. He didn't seem threatened, because he kept licking himself and scratching. Eventually he sat down. That was cool. I didn't know they could do that. But it was damn cute. Eventually, with my slow steps, I got about 10 feet away from it. That kicked ass. Every once in a while while I approached it twitched so I stopped, but it eventually let me start again. When it ran off finally, it whooshed right into the trees so I didn't get to see much of it's tail, which I only caught a glimpse of once.

Eventually, I explored the entire school grounds and found some things I didn't know were there, and thought up some stories and played them out in my head. Eventually some fat guy started running on the track while I was sitting in the bleachers, so I left. I walked to chitaqua park. I slowly ambled my way around the entire park, just thinking about nothing. It was great. I didn't have to face the reality of my life, I just got to take everything in. Every once in a while I thought about something me-related, but pretty much it was pretty much just nothing. I found a new bridge that they'd built. Last time I had been in the park they were running some pipes over the stream, no signs of a bridge. There were people there, that sucked.. but they left me alone and left after a bit, so that was okay.

Overall it took about 4 hours. 6 to 9. When I was going back, I thought about going straight home, but for some reason I tricked myself into walking down broadway so that I had a chance of seeing Sam and Sable. Well, I walked down broadway and half a block from Sam's, I saw her and Sable walking towards her house. We met up right in front of her driveway, but Sable had to go home, so we waited on the steps until Kali showed up. So then I left after seeing them for about 10 minutes. Then I came back here and did nothing.


Oh well.. at least I saw a beaver..

We'll walk to school all by ourselves...

Ugh.. I had a dream last night that I was back in school. Of course, I was also in Europe with like 40 other people including Sam and Sable, and...... UGH! I just remembered.. Gemma. But.. it was still school. And apparently I had forgotten to pick up my schedule, so I didn't know what classes I had, and somehow I signed up that day to go to Europe "until February" (according to Sam)... It was sort of like foreign exchange, but also kind of like the french trip. Errm... I dont know. Dreams arent supposed to make sense. The point is, I was back in school.

Theres a bug over there thats like.. an inch away from a spider and a centimeter away from a bunch of webs. I wish him luck.

Just putting it into perspective

My life is 1/4 over. Wow. I mean, I personally set my life expectancy at a nice 68. I'm certainly not expecting to live to 70. My family has a history of heart troubles, and I'm in terrible shape and I'll always expect to be, and I'm 16. So.. 16x4 = 64. Ouch. I mean, yeah, the first, what, half of my life so far was kind of spent in darkness (at least I can't remember it, and I don't feel that it's part of my life if I can't remember being that age), but.. yeah. Terrible though.

Did you know that there's a plant in the world that can live up to 10,000 years? I believe theres one living today thats over 2,000. Isn't that fucking insane? I mean.. Imagine if something like that could talk. It's seen 2,000 years come and go. You probably wont see more than 80. I don't know.. I just feel that that kind of boggles the mind.

I have one real, true fear in life. That's not knowing what happens after I die. I don't believe in any sort of afterlife, but death doesn't really scare me. It all seems so far away, and when it's much closer, I think that I'll feel that I've lived a good life and won't really miss living that much. I've already accepted the inevitability of it all (I remember the first night I realized it. I didn't sleep that night, for fear that I would die in my sleep, and I cried all night. I think that was 6th grade.)... But what really gets me, what really makes me worry, is that the day after I die, aliens are going to land. Or we crack the secret to life. Or we're able to reanimate human tissue the day after I'm cremated (which is really the only way to go). And that I'll never see what the world is like 50 years later. I won't know how far humans advance, and I won't know how it all ends. I mean, think back 200 years. Try to imagine explaining to them what a computer is. Frankly, it would have sucked to die back then. You never get to even imagine what a car is, or television, satellites, even something as small as rock music. It genuinely scares me that I will never know what sort of things are in store for our race.

And I brought up something there that I'd like to expand upon, but first I want to say something I discovered this morning. For some reason, my hand was on my face, and I felt my cheekbone. Then I felt the other, then my jaw, then the teeth and eye sockets and the skull. Everything. I felt my arms and my ribs. It had never occured to me that there is actually a skelleton under this flesh. I mean, obviously I knew, but I had never thought about it. When you think of a dead person you think of a skelleton, not a living person. It's a symbol of death. I also noticed muscle. I lifted up my arm after I got out of the shower and noticed the skin and muscle slowly sliding over my ribs. It just seemed so unreal. It's not something I'd ever thought about. And onto my point. I want to be cremated.

I can't stand the thought of my corpse rotting in the ground in a box with a bunch of other dead bodies forever. I'd rather my body were taken to ash, thrown into the wind. I would become part of the earth. In some small, minute way, my remains could soak into soil and grow new life. Or into water, and slowly become part of setiment, and over millions of years form into rock. I don't know, it just seems so much more practical to me. Shoving somebody into a box and have worms eat away at their flesh not only seems disgusting, but immoral. That shouldn't be how a once living creature is treated in death.

And I'm going to be an organ doner. Why not? All of you out there who aren't, you should be ashamed. For whatever reason. There is absolutely no excuse. None. If you think of it as disgusting that your heart is in somebody else's body, bringing them life, well fuck off. Just because you don't like the thought of something like that after you're fucking dead doesn't mean that you can't help somebody else live, which you had the immense privilage of doing yourself. The same goes for donating blood. I mean, I'm no humanitarian. I'm not going to do shit for other people, but small things you can do to save lives is the least you could be doing. I have an immense fear of needles, yet I still gave blood last year during school, and will be doing it again next year. It's not even out of your way. You go to school. It's right there. Stay an extra hour and help somebody else prolong their life.

Anyway.. I'm feeling really weird right now. I know why, but I'm not going to write about it on here, and I'm sure as hell not going to talk about it to somebody online, but then again, I don't have meaningful discussions with people offline, which is something that I don't really like about my life. At least not very often, and when I do, not for very long. Not nearly long enough. Well.. I'm feeling extremely "fuck it all" right now, so I'm just going to get off the computer right now and prepare myself for tomorrow, which is going to suck just as much as today did, and yesterday, and.. well, no, the day before that didn't suck, but the day before that. And on and on.

OHMIGOD!!! Bubba Ho-Tep gets a theatrical release! It'll be in Chicago on October 17th. SAM! You must take me! I'll die if you don't! But you want to see it just as much as I, methinks. Too bad thats a friday :|

Got the Batman movie, and.. Sam, I believe you are going to go totally apeshit over this thing. You'll see why.

Wow. Now I feel great. Thanks. I'm obviously not a priority to you.

Sorry about making a second post about this, and I'm really sorry to all the people who don't give a shit, but I accidently double posted, so I'm going to have to film this up with something...

A question to the director of the Batman movie a few months ago:

"yes, but is it going to be dark?"
" DELICIOUSLY DARK, my dear... "



The man in the suit almost looks like a badass version of Adam West.


Oh, and I found his Yahoo photo album that has the concept models for the costume, if anybody is interested, or wants to waste some time
http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/sculptureman/">http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/sculptureman

Click on "Sculpture"

And here is the actual bust used to make the mask

http://members.shaw.ca/batmaniak/images/Sandy/hbat1.jpg
http://members.shaw.ca/batmaniak/images/Sandy/hbat2.jpg

And finally, some really big pictures of Batman. These are better than most of the others.

http://members.shaw.ca/batmaniak/images/Sandy/bat01.jpg
http://members.shaw.ca/batmaniak/images/Sandy/bat03.jpg
http://members.shaw.ca/batmaniak/images/Sandy/bat04.jpg
http://members.shaw.ca/batmaniak/images/Sandy/bat05.jpg

Sorry about all this, folks, I'm just really excited for this thing.. I love Batman and am so glad its finally being done right.

Oh god. My mom just did the exact same thing Jim's did. :|

Luckily, I was blunt with her and told her I didn't want to share this sort of thing with her, and she let me go by just reading one line from it after I explained some stuff to her. "I don't want to be unhappy like this for the rest of my life" was it. Luckily shes like "this is a big deal to me and I won't ask about it again" and such.

..Then she read me some letter her godawful (depressed, mean, guilt giving, alcoholic.. you get the picture) mom wrote her because she was hurt my mom exploded on her (because of all the "woe is me!" crap), and.. god.. Im so glad she isn't my mom. But.. my mom told the story with a smile and was joking about it and such.

..and.. as of now.. my grandma is living alone with 75 cats. Oh god.

Well, I doubt any of you are, but I'm a really big Batman fan, and yesterday I learned about an independant Batman short which is premiering at Comicon today. There is a lot of hype around this project, and it's supposedly godly.. Batman done the way it should have been from the beginning. No sculpted rubber nipple suit, no fucking big hollywood stars with tinyass builds that couldn't convince me for a second that they spent half their life learning fighting styles and working out. No fucking (sorry, Sam) old actor with a bad smile and cheek makeup. Nicholson just wasn't right for the part. But this man.. Oh god.. And this movie is supposedly dark. As dark as Batman should be. The story is Batman confronting the Joker in an alleyway in the rain, with some sort of suprise element that will give you a geekgasm. And now for the pictures.. (sorry to 56kers)

http://www.aintitcool.com/images/jokergrina.jpg
http://cmp.bravepages.com/cmp/misc/bde_fade2blk.jpg
http://www.picturedot.com/FetchImageJPG.asp?ImageType=P&ImageFormat=H&ImageID=64622
http://www.aintitcool.com/images/batraina.jpg
http://www.aintitcool.com/images/batjumpa.jpg


OHGOD... and apparently it could be on the internet as soon as tomorrow morning. Too bad it's only 8 minutes long though :(

But this isn't just some fanfilm. This is made by a real director with real crew. Real budget, real sets. Its a real movie. The only thing they don't have is a lisence for the Batman franchise.

"The singer is a night light that looks like a blue canary. Before you think I'm crazy listen to this. "Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch, Who watches over you", and in the begining," But I'm a little glowing friend", "I have a secret to tell, From my electrical well" "So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly, My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e" He's a nite lite plugged into the wall near the light switch and he's talking to the room. In the part where he talks about the picture opposite him, he's saying that his ancestor is a light house that "kept the beaches shipwreck free". This is just a guess, but I think I'm right. "


Oh.. my... god... I think I love this man. I mean, it doesn't account for 100% of everything, but, like.. 95%. Oh god. He's not as bright as a lighthouse, so the crew of the Argo would all die.. its.. perfect. Or as close to it as anyone but the writer will ever get.

Damn you, seductress! I cannot stay away from you. You are a harsh mistress.

Well, I've got some stuff to get out, so I might as well put it on here.

First off, I just want to apologize to all of you who have to read this crap. I read other people's journals and I think "Wow.. do I really sound like this?" It's not really an inflated sense of self-purpose, though, it's just.. I don't know.. Anyway..

I'm lonely. I've never been lonely in my life. Before I went out with Erin, I just didn't feel it. I had never been with anybody, so I didn't know what it was like, and besides, my life was completely different back then, and I had good relationships with a lot of friends, and I did things on my own, and I had motivation for things. Now I've figured out why I am feeling needy towards people (read: person), and it's because I want somebody that can't pry themselves away from me, who devotes all their attention to me. It sounds selfish because it is. But then again, I'd give everything of myself to them.

I used to despise people who went from relationship to relationship, feeling that they always need to be with someone, not needing it to be anyone special, but now I see how they feel. They're more emotionally insecure than other people are, which is fine. Everyone has little things like that. Maybe I'm one of those people, I don't know, but I do know that something in my life needs to chance. As much as I'm dreading school coming, I'm going to welcome it because it's change, and that's what I want right now. This life I'm living is boring and monotonous, and I can't take it anymore, because I do shit and I feel like shit, which is completely different from being depressed.

I lack motivation for everything. I don't eat sometimes because I don't want to have to go to the kitchen. It's not laziness, though. Maybe it's just because of my sleeping schedule. I have absolutely no energy, ever. Even today, I was sitting in the car with Bryan and I had to force myself to have a conversation with him. I think he could probably feel it. I never turned my neck to look at him or moved or anything.. Perhaps I'll just go to sleep early for a week or something and see what it feels like. I read on Evan's journal about him wanting to get more sleep because he has no energy a while back, so I think I might try it out.

It'll be easy, because Sable won't be on. Thats pretty much all I do later at night is talk to her and waste time on websites and downloading stuff that keeps my attention for half of their duration. Her parents are sleeping in the computer room for the next month, so she won't be able to get on. That sucks.. grrr....

Back to the thing about school. I'm worried about this year. This entire summer, I have never let go of the fact that school is coming back in 3, 2, or, now, 1 month. I just always had this feeling of impending doom, and rightly so, but I haven't let myself relax fully. And this is going to be a problem when school comes back. My grades really suffered second semester last year due to my getting bored with school, and later on my depression, and I don't want that to happen again. I'm going to try to try this year at school, but it's probably going to be hard. I just feel like being through with school. All of you feel the same way I do, I bet, but I constantly feel like giving up, daydreaming about what it would be like to drop out or just get Cs all the time. Uuuuughh....

But once drama starts up.. I don't know. Sclecta is doing some awful parody of The Oddessy with Gilligan's Island and Titanic references and such, and it's going to be godawful, but we're taking it to thespians, so I'm going to be in it. And it will also be something to do, though I really doubt I'll have any fun with it at all. Then speech team, which is going to suck because there isn't anything I want to be in, so I will probably end up being in something that I'll hate. Then the spring play which will suck, but I'll have to be in it, or part of it, just because I'll go insane if I'm not.

That's what my life has become. The only things that I'm actually awaiting are things that I'm dreading. But isn't that life? Everything has a good side, and a bad side. Like school. Yay for social life! Boo for "learning." I really need something to change. GOD! And I know what I want it to be, but it wouldn't be.

Guuuh.. theres stuff I want to write about on here, but people have asked me not to, or it would just be too complicated if I wrote about some of it. Oh well.

But my social life has pretty much turned into going to Bryan's house every once in a while, which is one of those good side/bad side things. I don't really hang out with anyone individually, just in groups, which is a shame, because that's precisely what I don't like. I don't really like being in groups, and I don't like going to parties because of that. People's attention is never on me then, it's on the group, and I hate that. God dammit I sound needy.

I still don't like my life now. I feel better, but with that sort of thing comes new problems, which I'm having a hard time dealing with. Unfortunately, I can't write about those here.

Collin is going to french camp for a month with a bunch of damn frenchies. They'll teach him the fine art of surrendering while he's there, bastards. Well, with him gone, the only people I'll really hang out with are Sam, Bryan, Sable, and Sam K. Sam only comes over every once in a while for a few hours, and that's a nice distraction out of the day, but.. I don't know, it just doesn't seem full. And Bryan, Sable, and Sam K are always in a group situation with me, and I've already talked about that.

I want to make a movie. I want to make a goddamn movie. I keep saying I want to go to film school and such, and whenever some random person IMs me on AIM I always include in my list of interests, "making movies," yet, when is the last time I made a fucking movie? 3 months ago, and it was for a class, and it was a short little comedy thing. The problem isn't just lack of motivation, it's also reluctance on other party's faults (read: collin's). Collin is terribly hard to work with. I have to struggle to get anything when we do end up on a project together, and so it isn't really a fulfilling experience. I want to make my own damn movie. Enough with this project stuff. But it doesn't work out like that. If i want the equiptment, editing, camerawork, then I have to have Collin there, and frankly, I don't think theres any way that he would do all that stuff for some movie of mine. I guess that means I'll have to do it myself, but I don't have any equiptment, and I don't know how to use any of the stuff well enough. I can't capture video, that's part of Collin's job. Who the fuck can edit? I sure as hell can't. Maybe I could get Sam to do it for me. AAAARGH.

Well I can't think of anything else to bitch about, but once I do, I guess I'll write it down in here...



I don't want to be unhappy like this for the rest of my life.

ANYWAY! I got a new password. Bastard.

god speaks

and I say to not stop using your blog


[edit] damn you collin. this is what you get for using an easy to guess password.

I guess I'm feeling a bit useless towards you right now. What you've got with me you have with other people, only moreso. You don't need me anymore, but I still need you. I don't serve any real purpose in your life, but you have one in mine and I dont think my feelings are being recognized.

Oh well.

I think this will be my last entry. I'm feeling better about pretty much everything, and I needed this journal to help get my thoughts out of my head into something I could interpret and deal with, and I'm done with all that now and I've gone back to normal and I just want everything else to.

I had the most wonderful thought today, though. "Everything will work itself out." I haven't though of that for ages. Thats a good feeling. It shows me that who I was before isn't lost.

2 months.

That is how long it took me to get over Erin Duffy. Well.. 2 months and a day. Bastardous day. Timing would have been so perfect. But life isn't a movie, or a book, so things rarely turn out like that.

As you read, or will read, in my previous 2 posts, I had quite the conversation with Jessica today. She obviously didn't want to talk about Erin or me or anything (as there were obvious ill feelings coming from her both because of how I acted at the end of the year towards her, and that she is "on Erin's side"), but that's expected. Really, I understand where she's coming from and I respect that. I just needed something more, so I kept prodding. It was really the post before this. I thought I would react horribly to it, get even more depressed. I took my discman, went out into the field by my house, layed down and looked up at the sky. I cleared my head of thoughts and just listened to Greenday. And when I couldn't keep the thoughts out anymore, I thought about it. And it came to me.

Closure.

I've been searching for it. this entire time. The main thing holding me back was not knowing how Erin was feeling towards me, or what she was feeling. As Sam put it so beautifully once, "You can't go from everything to nothing." It's taken slightly out of context, but not too much. I went from talking to her every day, being really close, to.. nothing. In a single moment. And that isn't how it works for someone. And so I got it. Jessica told me. Erin will never want me back. I have no chance with her, and she probably doesn't even like me anymore.

Isn't that terrible? Yes, but its WONDERFUL! It's the most depressing thought in the world. Or, rather, it would have been. But it isn't. I'm so happy now. I havent been this happy since.. well, the Friday before she broke up with me. Thats 2 months, 3 days. And I get it now. I mean, I understood before, and I had all the information, but it hadn't clicked. But it has now. When she gave her reasons for breaking up with me, she said that I had this picture of her in my mind and that wasn't who she was. Boy, was that an understatement.

I'm not entirely sure I like who she is. I don't know. I mean, I built her up for 2 years, and I think that kept me from seeing who she actually was completely. She's got too much of Jessica in her. But that's not nescessarily a bad thing. They're both honest, good people who I respect so much. But I don't know if I like either of them. Now I'm not being bitter or angry, that's just how I feel towards them. Its nothing to do with my feelings, that is just fact.

And, really, what did we have? We had a nice, fun relationship. Both of our first (major) relationship. Something to build on and learn from. And it was great. It was fun. It was one of the best experiences of my entire life. And I thank her for that. And I don't hold it against her that she didn't want it anymore, because it obviously wasn't what I thought it was at the time. But I see what it was now. All the lessons I learned from her, everything I became because of her, everything I left behind and gained, and the person I became is something more valuable than I could have ever asked for.

Sable asked me yesterday if I would go out with her again, if I had the chance. I replied "in a second." But no. Not now. I wouldn't. I know the chance would never come along again, but if it did, I wouldn't. I mean, it's possible that I may learn to know who she actually is in time and become friends with her, and maybe then we could start fresh and have a relationship. But then again, I can say that about any girl I've ever known.

And Sable! OH SABLE! I am so sorry! Gah! You are great, and before I couldn't accept the whole Bryan thing. But now I can. I am happy for you. Both of you. Congratulations. Really.


I LOVE YOU ALL! Except for you, Quinn. You're an asshole. But then again, an asshole who knows what he's talking about sometimes.

I want to do something with people! I'm tired of being alone and sad and sorry for myself. I want to go out and do stuff. Gaaauh!

Maybe I'll call Erin up sometime. I think I'll call Jessica first and thank her. Or maybe I'll just forget about Erin until next year when we can start anew, if she wants to.

Well I guess now my journal won't be so exciting, eh? Well, we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow.

"bob the leech: do you think she'd be willing to talk to me? i suspect she's feeling somewhat like you right now towards me.. 'get over it you pathetic bastard'
bob the leech: but its not like i have any frame of reference
queencenire: yeah pretty much...
queencenire: you could try but that is none of my business... but I don't think you would get very far..."


Excuse me for a second.. I'm going to go slit my wrists now....

I mean.. christ.. how are you supposed to take that?

"queencenire: gregory... i honestly don't care, its none of my business where you 'are emotionally', I just know that if that is 'where you are' and it is causing you to act this way then i really don't want anything to do with any of it... you and sam can wallow together but i have better things to do than to listen to it...
bob the leech: well i didnt bring it up
queencenire: you are enough
bob the leech: and ill have you know, sam is a lot better. not that you'd know.
queencenire: not that i'd want to know..."


Wow, Jessica. I'm so very glad I don't have to like you anymore.

God dammit.. why do I have to be such a nice guy?

On being a nice guy

that guy knows what hes talking about.

"collin the weak: kinda weird
collin the weak: but tasty
collin the weak: like women"

that's in context, folks. you heard it from me first.

Oh. and a followup to Barry White comments earlier..

"collin the weak: how many times have you listened to his songs in the past 24 hours?
bob the leech: oh.. just about 10 or so times
collin the weak: how many times have you had sex in the past 24 hours?
bob the leech: ..oh
collin the weak: i thought so"

Dude. She was wearing her glasses? That's really cool. But none of you would think so, would you? BAH!

Damn this brain that thinks and makes connections that don't exist, yet realizes that it's doing it and that it is wrong! Curse your non metal body!

You see, what I clearly know is that Erin wore her glasses just because she wanted to, or perhaps she's gotten annoyed with contacts. Here are two situations my mind comes up with:

1. Erin thought she would see me tonight and so she wore her glasses to please me
2. Erin wants me back and fell into a lapse sometime into the past two months where she wears her glasses because I liked them.

Grr... I really want to talk to her. I wanted to wish her a happy birthday tonight. Nothing else, unless she started it. I wouldn't have brought any of it up. But of course, it's too late and I'm kicking myself in the head. If Barry White hadn't died, I would have gotten there earlier.

Goodbye Barry White. You were a great artist, and brought much sex music to the world. We're gonna miss ya. I hope you're up in heaven boinking every angel, 2 at a time. I'll be listening to your songs all night.

Things seem to be going well between Sable and I now. I don't really want to get into what I'm thinking about with that situation right now, because It's not refined in my head yet. I'll need a bit of time to think on it.

But I guess I feel a bit left out, though it's perfectly understandable why I am. :/

Guuh.. when you put it like that, I hate myself even worse...........

Perhaps everything will be better after tomorrow? Well, not everything, obviously. But all this recent stuff. That's something to look foreward.

I went to The White Stripes on monday with Sam and Collin. According to some people on messageboards and newgroups and such, the concert really sucked. BUT! This being my first concert, I would have no frame of reference, so.. It fuckin' rocked. The mood kind of died after Jack stormed off the stage, but when they came back and played Seven Nation Army, it was all better. Though I hear his performance suffered because of his anger.

The problem was the foot pedals he uses. Many of their songs require them. And they weren't working. Jack's guitar(s) kept going out in the middle of songs and at times just wouldn't work. It finally got fixed about a half hour(?) before the show was over.

He didn't get to finish Apple Blossom though :'(

And they only did In the Cold, Cold Night once. They should have done it 1000 times. MEG!!! Beautiful, gorgeous creature. So shy and cute and innocent. Calm and relaxed while Jack was trying not to flip out. Chewing on her drumsticks looking bashful, and smiling about it all when they came back on.

I AM IN LOVE

Sugar never tasted so good.

What the

FUCK

is wrong with the world?! Christ.. I mean.. Sam K. broke up with Jim. How is that right, in any way? That was one of the only fucking stable things in my life. And now it's gone. HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE INSANE?!

And where the fuck do you get off telling people, Sable? I thought thats what being someone's best friend was all about, not telling their fucking secrets. GUUHH!! But i'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the world. And I wish you wouldn't be mad at me.

I wonder if the world has been like this all along and I just couldn't see it? I don't seem to remember one fucking shitty event after another fucking up everyone's lives before.




GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD DAMMMMIT.