LOUIS RICH TURKEY BACON
6.7.03
2 months.
That is how long it took me to get over Erin Duffy. Well.. 2 months and a day. Bastardous day. Timing would have been so perfect. But life isn't a movie, or a book, so things rarely turn out like that.
As you read, or will read, in my previous 2 posts, I had quite the conversation with Jessica today. She obviously didn't want to talk about Erin or me or anything (as there were obvious ill feelings coming from her both because of how I acted at the end of the year towards her, and that she is "on Erin's side"), but that's expected. Really, I understand where she's coming from and I respect that. I just needed something more, so I kept prodding. It was really the post before this. I thought I would react horribly to it, get even more depressed. I took my discman, went out into the field by my house, layed down and looked up at the sky. I cleared my head of thoughts and just listened to Greenday. And when I couldn't keep the thoughts out anymore, I thought about it. And it came to me.
Closure.
I've been searching for it. this entire time. The main thing holding me back was not knowing how Erin was feeling towards me, or what she was feeling. As Sam put it so beautifully once, "You can't go from everything to nothing." It's taken slightly out of context, but not too much. I went from talking to her every day, being really close, to.. nothing. In a single moment. And that isn't how it works for someone. And so I got it. Jessica told me. Erin will never want me back. I have no chance with her, and she probably doesn't even like me anymore.
Isn't that terrible? Yes, but its WONDERFUL! It's the most depressing thought in the world. Or, rather, it would have been. But it isn't. I'm so happy now. I havent been this happy since.. well, the Friday before she broke up with me. Thats 2 months, 3 days. And I get it now. I mean, I understood before, and I had all the information, but it hadn't clicked. But it has now. When she gave her reasons for breaking up with me, she said that I had this picture of her in my mind and that wasn't who she was. Boy, was that an understatement.
I'm not entirely sure I like who she is. I don't know. I mean, I built her up for 2 years, and I think that kept me from seeing who she actually was completely. She's got too much of Jessica in her. But that's not nescessarily a bad thing. They're both honest, good people who I respect so much. But I don't know if I like either of them. Now I'm not being bitter or angry, that's just how I feel towards them. Its nothing to do with my feelings, that is just fact.
And, really, what did we have? We had a nice, fun relationship. Both of our first (major) relationship. Something to build on and learn from. And it was great. It was fun. It was one of the best experiences of my entire life. And I thank her for that. And I don't hold it against her that she didn't want it anymore, because it obviously wasn't what I thought it was at the time. But I see what it was now. All the lessons I learned from her, everything I became because of her, everything I left behind and gained, and the person I became is something more valuable than I could have ever asked for.
Sable asked me yesterday if I would go out with her again, if I had the chance. I replied "in a second." But no. Not now. I wouldn't. I know the chance would never come along again, but if it did, I wouldn't. I mean, it's possible that I may learn to know who she actually is in time and become friends with her, and maybe then we could start fresh and have a relationship. But then again, I can say that about any girl I've ever known.
And Sable! OH SABLE! I am so sorry! Gah! You are great, and before I couldn't accept the whole Bryan thing. But now I can. I am happy for you. Both of you. Congratulations. Really.
I LOVE YOU ALL! Except for you, Quinn. You're an asshole. But then again, an asshole who knows what he's talking about sometimes.
I want to do something with people! I'm tired of being alone and sad and sorry for myself. I want to go out and do stuff. Gaaauh!
Maybe I'll call Erin up sometime. I think I'll call Jessica first and thank her. Or maybe I'll just forget about Erin until next year when we can start anew, if she wants to.
Well I guess now my journal won't be so exciting, eh? Well, we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow.
That is how long it took me to get over Erin Duffy. Well.. 2 months and a day. Bastardous day. Timing would have been so perfect. But life isn't a movie, or a book, so things rarely turn out like that.
As you read, or will read, in my previous 2 posts, I had quite the conversation with Jessica today. She obviously didn't want to talk about Erin or me or anything (as there were obvious ill feelings coming from her both because of how I acted at the end of the year towards her, and that she is "on Erin's side"), but that's expected. Really, I understand where she's coming from and I respect that. I just needed something more, so I kept prodding. It was really the post before this. I thought I would react horribly to it, get even more depressed. I took my discman, went out into the field by my house, layed down and looked up at the sky. I cleared my head of thoughts and just listened to Greenday. And when I couldn't keep the thoughts out anymore, I thought about it. And it came to me.
Closure.
I've been searching for it. this entire time. The main thing holding me back was not knowing how Erin was feeling towards me, or what she was feeling. As Sam put it so beautifully once, "You can't go from everything to nothing." It's taken slightly out of context, but not too much. I went from talking to her every day, being really close, to.. nothing. In a single moment. And that isn't how it works for someone. And so I got it. Jessica told me. Erin will never want me back. I have no chance with her, and she probably doesn't even like me anymore.
Isn't that terrible? Yes, but its WONDERFUL! It's the most depressing thought in the world. Or, rather, it would have been. But it isn't. I'm so happy now. I havent been this happy since.. well, the Friday before she broke up with me. Thats 2 months, 3 days. And I get it now. I mean, I understood before, and I had all the information, but it hadn't clicked. But it has now. When she gave her reasons for breaking up with me, she said that I had this picture of her in my mind and that wasn't who she was. Boy, was that an understatement.
I'm not entirely sure I like who she is. I don't know. I mean, I built her up for 2 years, and I think that kept me from seeing who she actually was completely. She's got too much of Jessica in her. But that's not nescessarily a bad thing. They're both honest, good people who I respect so much. But I don't know if I like either of them. Now I'm not being bitter or angry, that's just how I feel towards them. Its nothing to do with my feelings, that is just fact.
And, really, what did we have? We had a nice, fun relationship. Both of our first (major) relationship. Something to build on and learn from. And it was great. It was fun. It was one of the best experiences of my entire life. And I thank her for that. And I don't hold it against her that she didn't want it anymore, because it obviously wasn't what I thought it was at the time. But I see what it was now. All the lessons I learned from her, everything I became because of her, everything I left behind and gained, and the person I became is something more valuable than I could have ever asked for.
Sable asked me yesterday if I would go out with her again, if I had the chance. I replied "in a second." But no. Not now. I wouldn't. I know the chance would never come along again, but if it did, I wouldn't. I mean, it's possible that I may learn to know who she actually is in time and become friends with her, and maybe then we could start fresh and have a relationship. But then again, I can say that about any girl I've ever known.
And Sable! OH SABLE! I am so sorry! Gah! You are great, and before I couldn't accept the whole Bryan thing. But now I can. I am happy for you. Both of you. Congratulations. Really.
I LOVE YOU ALL! Except for you, Quinn. You're an asshole. But then again, an asshole who knows what he's talking about sometimes.
I want to do something with people! I'm tired of being alone and sad and sorry for myself. I want to go out and do stuff. Gaaauh!
Maybe I'll call Erin up sometime. I think I'll call Jessica first and thank her. Or maybe I'll just forget about Erin until next year when we can start anew, if she wants to.
Well I guess now my journal won't be so exciting, eh? Well, we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow.
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