LOUIS RICH TURKEY BACON
17.7.03
Damn you, seductress! I cannot stay away from you. You are a harsh mistress.
Well, I've got some stuff to get out, so I might as well put it on here.
First off, I just want to apologize to all of you who have to read this crap. I read other people's journals and I think "Wow.. do I really sound like this?" It's not really an inflated sense of self-purpose, though, it's just.. I don't know.. Anyway..
I'm lonely. I've never been lonely in my life. Before I went out with Erin, I just didn't feel it. I had never been with anybody, so I didn't know what it was like, and besides, my life was completely different back then, and I had good relationships with a lot of friends, and I did things on my own, and I had motivation for things. Now I've figured out why I am feeling needy towards people (read: person), and it's because I want somebody that can't pry themselves away from me, who devotes all their attention to me. It sounds selfish because it is. But then again, I'd give everything of myself to them.
I used to despise people who went from relationship to relationship, feeling that they always need to be with someone, not needing it to be anyone special, but now I see how they feel. They're more emotionally insecure than other people are, which is fine. Everyone has little things like that. Maybe I'm one of those people, I don't know, but I do know that something in my life needs to chance. As much as I'm dreading school coming, I'm going to welcome it because it's change, and that's what I want right now. This life I'm living is boring and monotonous, and I can't take it anymore, because I do shit and I feel like shit, which is completely different from being depressed.
I lack motivation for everything. I don't eat sometimes because I don't want to have to go to the kitchen. It's not laziness, though. Maybe it's just because of my sleeping schedule. I have absolutely no energy, ever. Even today, I was sitting in the car with Bryan and I had to force myself to have a conversation with him. I think he could probably feel it. I never turned my neck to look at him or moved or anything.. Perhaps I'll just go to sleep early for a week or something and see what it feels like. I read on Evan's journal about him wanting to get more sleep because he has no energy a while back, so I think I might try it out.
It'll be easy, because Sable won't be on. Thats pretty much all I do later at night is talk to her and waste time on websites and downloading stuff that keeps my attention for half of their duration. Her parents are sleeping in the computer room for the next month, so she won't be able to get on. That sucks.. grrr....
Back to the thing about school. I'm worried about this year. This entire summer, I have never let go of the fact that school is coming back in 3, 2, or, now, 1 month. I just always had this feeling of impending doom, and rightly so, but I haven't let myself relax fully. And this is going to be a problem when school comes back. My grades really suffered second semester last year due to my getting bored with school, and later on my depression, and I don't want that to happen again. I'm going to try to try this year at school, but it's probably going to be hard. I just feel like being through with school. All of you feel the same way I do, I bet, but I constantly feel like giving up, daydreaming about what it would be like to drop out or just get Cs all the time. Uuuuughh....
But once drama starts up.. I don't know. Sclecta is doing some awful parody of The Oddessy with Gilligan's Island and Titanic references and such, and it's going to be godawful, but we're taking it to thespians, so I'm going to be in it. And it will also be something to do, though I really doubt I'll have any fun with it at all. Then speech team, which is going to suck because there isn't anything I want to be in, so I will probably end up being in something that I'll hate. Then the spring play which will suck, but I'll have to be in it, or part of it, just because I'll go insane if I'm not.
That's what my life has become. The only things that I'm actually awaiting are things that I'm dreading. But isn't that life? Everything has a good side, and a bad side. Like school. Yay for social life! Boo for "learning." I really need something to change. GOD! And I know what I want it to be, but it wouldn't be.
Guuuh.. theres stuff I want to write about on here, but people have asked me not to, or it would just be too complicated if I wrote about some of it. Oh well.
But my social life has pretty much turned into going to Bryan's house every once in a while, which is one of those good side/bad side things. I don't really hang out with anyone individually, just in groups, which is a shame, because that's precisely what I don't like. I don't really like being in groups, and I don't like going to parties because of that. People's attention is never on me then, it's on the group, and I hate that. God dammit I sound needy.
I still don't like my life now. I feel better, but with that sort of thing comes new problems, which I'm having a hard time dealing with. Unfortunately, I can't write about those here.
Collin is going to french camp for a month with a bunch of damn frenchies. They'll teach him the fine art of surrendering while he's there, bastards. Well, with him gone, the only people I'll really hang out with are Sam, Bryan, Sable, and Sam K. Sam only comes over every once in a while for a few hours, and that's a nice distraction out of the day, but.. I don't know, it just doesn't seem full. And Bryan, Sable, and Sam K are always in a group situation with me, and I've already talked about that.
I want to make a movie. I want to make a goddamn movie. I keep saying I want to go to film school and such, and whenever some random person IMs me on AIM I always include in my list of interests, "making movies," yet, when is the last time I made a fucking movie? 3 months ago, and it was for a class, and it was a short little comedy thing. The problem isn't just lack of motivation, it's also reluctance on other party's faults (read: collin's). Collin is terribly hard to work with. I have to struggle to get anything when we do end up on a project together, and so it isn't really a fulfilling experience. I want to make my own damn movie. Enough with this project stuff. But it doesn't work out like that. If i want the equiptment, editing, camerawork, then I have to have Collin there, and frankly, I don't think theres any way that he would do all that stuff for some movie of mine. I guess that means I'll have to do it myself, but I don't have any equiptment, and I don't know how to use any of the stuff well enough. I can't capture video, that's part of Collin's job. Who the fuck can edit? I sure as hell can't. Maybe I could get Sam to do it for me. AAAARGH.
Well I can't think of anything else to bitch about, but once I do, I guess I'll write it down in here...
I don't want to be unhappy like this for the rest of my life.
Well, I've got some stuff to get out, so I might as well put it on here.
First off, I just want to apologize to all of you who have to read this crap. I read other people's journals and I think "Wow.. do I really sound like this?" It's not really an inflated sense of self-purpose, though, it's just.. I don't know.. Anyway..
I'm lonely. I've never been lonely in my life. Before I went out with Erin, I just didn't feel it. I had never been with anybody, so I didn't know what it was like, and besides, my life was completely different back then, and I had good relationships with a lot of friends, and I did things on my own, and I had motivation for things. Now I've figured out why I am feeling needy towards people (read: person), and it's because I want somebody that can't pry themselves away from me, who devotes all their attention to me. It sounds selfish because it is. But then again, I'd give everything of myself to them.
I used to despise people who went from relationship to relationship, feeling that they always need to be with someone, not needing it to be anyone special, but now I see how they feel. They're more emotionally insecure than other people are, which is fine. Everyone has little things like that. Maybe I'm one of those people, I don't know, but I do know that something in my life needs to chance. As much as I'm dreading school coming, I'm going to welcome it because it's change, and that's what I want right now. This life I'm living is boring and monotonous, and I can't take it anymore, because I do shit and I feel like shit, which is completely different from being depressed.
I lack motivation for everything. I don't eat sometimes because I don't want to have to go to the kitchen. It's not laziness, though. Maybe it's just because of my sleeping schedule. I have absolutely no energy, ever. Even today, I was sitting in the car with Bryan and I had to force myself to have a conversation with him. I think he could probably feel it. I never turned my neck to look at him or moved or anything.. Perhaps I'll just go to sleep early for a week or something and see what it feels like. I read on Evan's journal about him wanting to get more sleep because he has no energy a while back, so I think I might try it out.
It'll be easy, because Sable won't be on. Thats pretty much all I do later at night is talk to her and waste time on websites and downloading stuff that keeps my attention for half of their duration. Her parents are sleeping in the computer room for the next month, so she won't be able to get on. That sucks.. grrr....
Back to the thing about school. I'm worried about this year. This entire summer, I have never let go of the fact that school is coming back in 3, 2, or, now, 1 month. I just always had this feeling of impending doom, and rightly so, but I haven't let myself relax fully. And this is going to be a problem when school comes back. My grades really suffered second semester last year due to my getting bored with school, and later on my depression, and I don't want that to happen again. I'm going to try to try this year at school, but it's probably going to be hard. I just feel like being through with school. All of you feel the same way I do, I bet, but I constantly feel like giving up, daydreaming about what it would be like to drop out or just get Cs all the time. Uuuuughh....
But once drama starts up.. I don't know. Sclecta is doing some awful parody of The Oddessy with Gilligan's Island and Titanic references and such, and it's going to be godawful, but we're taking it to thespians, so I'm going to be in it. And it will also be something to do, though I really doubt I'll have any fun with it at all. Then speech team, which is going to suck because there isn't anything I want to be in, so I will probably end up being in something that I'll hate. Then the spring play which will suck, but I'll have to be in it, or part of it, just because I'll go insane if I'm not.
That's what my life has become. The only things that I'm actually awaiting are things that I'm dreading. But isn't that life? Everything has a good side, and a bad side. Like school. Yay for social life! Boo for "learning." I really need something to change. GOD! And I know what I want it to be, but it wouldn't be.
Guuuh.. theres stuff I want to write about on here, but people have asked me not to, or it would just be too complicated if I wrote about some of it. Oh well.
But my social life has pretty much turned into going to Bryan's house every once in a while, which is one of those good side/bad side things. I don't really hang out with anyone individually, just in groups, which is a shame, because that's precisely what I don't like. I don't really like being in groups, and I don't like going to parties because of that. People's attention is never on me then, it's on the group, and I hate that. God dammit I sound needy.
I still don't like my life now. I feel better, but with that sort of thing comes new problems, which I'm having a hard time dealing with. Unfortunately, I can't write about those here.
Collin is going to french camp for a month with a bunch of damn frenchies. They'll teach him the fine art of surrendering while he's there, bastards. Well, with him gone, the only people I'll really hang out with are Sam, Bryan, Sable, and Sam K. Sam only comes over every once in a while for a few hours, and that's a nice distraction out of the day, but.. I don't know, it just doesn't seem full. And Bryan, Sable, and Sam K are always in a group situation with me, and I've already talked about that.
I want to make a movie. I want to make a goddamn movie. I keep saying I want to go to film school and such, and whenever some random person IMs me on AIM I always include in my list of interests, "making movies," yet, when is the last time I made a fucking movie? 3 months ago, and it was for a class, and it was a short little comedy thing. The problem isn't just lack of motivation, it's also reluctance on other party's faults (read: collin's). Collin is terribly hard to work with. I have to struggle to get anything when we do end up on a project together, and so it isn't really a fulfilling experience. I want to make my own damn movie. Enough with this project stuff. But it doesn't work out like that. If i want the equiptment, editing, camerawork, then I have to have Collin there, and frankly, I don't think theres any way that he would do all that stuff for some movie of mine. I guess that means I'll have to do it myself, but I don't have any equiptment, and I don't know how to use any of the stuff well enough. I can't capture video, that's part of Collin's job. Who the fuck can edit? I sure as hell can't. Maybe I could get Sam to do it for me. AAAARGH.
Well I can't think of anything else to bitch about, but once I do, I guess I'll write it down in here...
I don't want to be unhappy like this for the rest of my life.
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