On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

Is anyone here prepared to say just what they mean?

Well, there we go. Erin never wants to talk to me again. Now she's going out with Collin, so I'm pretty much going to lose the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I feel like crying for the first time in about 2 months.

"There's no good way...

..that you can tell a friend you're fucking his sister."

I just wanted to share that little quote with all you you who haven't heard it. I believe Collin made it up, or he got it from somewhere, but regardless... its awsome. And true.

Makes me think how stuff kind of sucks for Diana, because shes in our social group, but like half the guys in the group couldn't go out with her simply because she's Sam's sister. It's not that Sam wouldn't approve or something, just that.. She's Sam's little sister.. that just doesn't jive, you know? Jive turkey.. A friend's sister just doesn't seem like an actual girl in that aspect. But then again, shes in other social groups, so.. whatever.


..dammit. I made this post to give you the quote and I started saying stuff.

And a boy becomes..

...well.. still a boy. But now with a crucial step taken. Congrats, really. Maybe you want to have a conversation or something with her tomorrow? Just a thought.

..


...


..


Which one of us was the one that felt her up? Oh right. Me. Not you. You being the one potentially interested in her. OUCH! You need to get ahead in the game, Collin. This is some incentive. GO FOOL!


.................nice breasts, though.

..and for any of you that aren't Collin or Talon (or possibly Quinn, Andrew, or Davey), well.. you can ask.. it may not be quite as bad as you think. Probably isn't. Depending on who you are. And what you're thinking.

Misunderstandings abound

Before I get on to the important stuff....

"collin the weak: ooh
collin the weak: dude
collin the weak: in seven nation army
collin the weak: nipple is trying to poke through shirt
collin the weak: ..
collin the weak: jack white is so damn sexy"

ok.. now on to everything else.

Actually, not much else to tell. I have to write a goddamn personal relection in composition. Like all you losers who had to do it in Hosbond's already. I'm stealing Quinn's idea because anything else I could think of had no substance. So that sucks.

Talon's dropping out of school, so.. I got his part in the play. 10,000 lines to memorize by next wednesday.. oh well, no more aerobics. Yay.

Eh.. people suck, some stuff sucks, but most of it doesn't. Most of it is just normal. Which kind of sucks in itself. Well.. I'm going to let Conan finish up then go memorize lines. Or maybe not. I don't know.

Which I would consider unconditional love..

I should listen to my own philosophies sometime. Or at least believe them as I'm saying them.

This weekend was good. Friday, went to Kelsey's with some people for a bit and played amplitude.. met up with Quinn and Davey, we went to hosbonds, did something else, then Davey left and we found Collin.. we did somethingorother for a while, then somehow ended up at Evan's little sister's birthday party which was actually pretty cool. 13 year old girls aren't as annoying as you would think. Oh, and.. drunk people on the streets at 1 am with 3 cellphones and passed out friends at home peeing on the watertower is pretty intense too. I left my carebear at Evan's, along with my Hello Kitty hat.. that sucked. We wanted to make Can You Put This Thing on Top of That Thing: The Movie, but we couldn't find a camera or time.

Saturday I met up with Molly and Kelsey and we went to the coffee house for a while.. Davey, Evan, and Quinn showed up and then we left at 7:30 to go to Improvability (please, for my sanity's sake, get a new name).. that was intense. Quinn got publically mocked and was licked by a man and kissed by another.. collin and hosbond licked each other.. somebody yelled out "GOD I LOVE THE COCK!" during a scetch, Hosbond and Heather played some awsome original songs, Quinn got publically mocked again.. then tons of people went to Tiffany's house for not-birthday party, even though it was her birthday (the birthday party is later), which was pretty cool even though nobody actually would do the pole dancing.. I had to leave at 1:30 before most of the other people..

Today I went over to Kelsey's to watch Chocolat with she and Molly.. Heath was supposed to come but he couldn't make it.. good movie, good times..


...did that mean what I think it meant? Cuz I sure hope it did.

Don't let the days go by...

Well for the past.. while.. I've been downloading songs from bands my brother used to listen to when we were younger. It was the first music I ever liked. I actually disliked all forms of music up until about the 6th or 7th grade, and that was thanks to my brother. He actually liked decent music back then (even though some of it is still okay now).. he was into rock and some punk.. stuff like Green Day and Oasis and such.. Well, getting these songs again, and realizing I still know most of the lyrics, or just by looking at the title I can recall the tune, just shows me how much he affected me. Right now I'm listening to Bush, and.. I don't know.. it just feels right.

But nothing else does. I'm not getting enough. Of anything. I know what I need to be happy, but.. it isn't what I want. And maybe thats why I'm struggling with life right now. I'm trying to lead my life in two different directions, and nobody is really making this easy for me. I'm trying to hold on to what I want while still trying to get what I need, and.. it just isn't happening. People are just too.. I don't know.. they're just fucking confusing. I have very basic, simple needs, and.. nobody is doing anything for them.

I just need to get out of this.. I need to move away and I need to start anew.. but I'm worried about my future and what I'm going to do with it. I'm really fucking scared. But I don't know what to do about it so that I'm not completely miserable...

Sometimes I just want to strangle some of my friends. And myself, for that matter. I can't stand myself sometimes. A lot of the time. I don't want the stupid-ass silly "..can I light you on fire?!" part of me, the one that jokes around with Corey when it isn't funny, that does stupid shit with Davey.. I want all of that gone, because it isn't me, but I know if I didn't have that, I would become a shy recluse again.. I would go into hiding from the world.. I just don't want to fake a smile 95% of the time anymore.. guh.. I'm sorry for being me. Do me a favor and don't laugh at my jokes anymore.


God.. I thought all this was over.. just be straightforeward with me. Tell me what you want. Don't fucking play games, if you have something to say to me, just get it out there. Seriously, I want to hear about it, so either you can let it go, I can, or I can fix it. Just don't leave it how it is now, because obviously none of us are happy with it. Just be truthful, no matter what the truth is. This isn't directed to anyone in particular.. so for whatever reason, whatever it is, just get it out there. Tell me. I don't want people lying to me or avoiding me or a subject around me just because they think i'll be uncomfortable with it.

Please.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob

Great, great movie.

Eh, today kinda sucked. Felt negative energy off of everyone towards me.. maybe it was just something in my head, but everyone seemed pissed off or annoyed with me. Anyway.. I didn't ask her today. Because I suck.

God I hate Clint. I just want to take a hammer to his face. That would be so fun. LETS PLAY THE HAMMER GAME!!

Hmph.. the parts I like about the play: when I sit around and don't do anything and talk to people. That part is okay. Until Clint tries to pretend hes important...

WTF is up with Mrs. Higgins? I come home, and theres this letter on my desk that was addressed to my mom.. "Gregory has been doing a great job in Pre-Calculus. He got an 'A' on his first quiz! I look forward to a successful year. Keep up the good work!" WTF?! YOU'RE TOO CHIPPER.




...............I love... Kung Fu.

O... k? Am I reading into this too much?

Well I guess I'll just ask you tomorrow then. That'll be.. fun. Actually.. I probably won't.

Hmph... well, I don't feel too talkative right now, but I'll write something...

So, Last night was cool. Thing at Kelsey's.. Movies, amplitude, mao, uno, french toast.. you'll get a better description on other peoples' journals.. Fun stuff. Heath was pretty cool, a bit quiet at first, but got more talkative as the night went on.. I imagined him taller, with a thinner face, and shorter hair. And Kia to be brown. Oh well. I guess I'll have to settle for a shorter heath and a black kia.

Today was full of nothing.. sat around and didn't do anything till about 5 when I went on a walk for a bit with Kelsey, came back about 6 or 6:30 and sat around and... did nothing again. But... Conan's 10th anniversery special was good. But now All that Jazz is the Sealab episode :( dammit, worst episode...

Dammit.. school next week.



Eh, I have no right.

Alone, Not Lonely

I don't like parties. Jim had a party. Hilarity ensues.

...not really. Well, the party wasn't bad. Actually, I'm sure the party wasn't bad for most people. The biggest reason I don't like parties is that it's a large group of people that wouldn't nescessarily be together with each other normally. This means two different things. First of all, it means people connect with ones they don't normally talk to because the have the opportunity to, and second, it means that people that you wouldn't care to be around are there.

My problem stems off of the first. I have have a few problems.. the first being self confidence. Extremely low. Second is that I just don't work well in social situations where it isn't made up entirely of my friends. I suppose you could say I'm a wallflower at parties and such, but.. I wouldn't, because I hate the term. Third is, I'm fucking lonely. I know it's unfair, but I have a strong desire to feel needed, or at least wanted right now. I don't mean in a relationship or anything, just.. at all.

So.. Jim's party was actually his and some other girl's party. I don't know who the fuck thought that idea up, but.. what the fuck? These two groups get along somehow? Then how is it that none of the people I knew knew the other people? So people I talked to were down to about half, and they were all talking to each other anyway.. a few people came over and had a word or two with me, but nothing real until I secluded myself in the treehouse and Carrie came up with me. We sat and talked a bit.. not about anything significant, but.. I just liked that feeling. Eventually she left for something and said she'd come back. She didn't. So I walked over to the fence to look at the moon, thinking up all these little fantasies of things I wish would come true. But eventually Diana came over.. in fact, she spent a lot of time around me when I just wanted to be alone. Or at least with one of the few people there that I cared to spend time with last night.. Sigh...

Second, what the fuck was with the music? Good Charlotte? New Found Glory? Fucking Evanesence? Wow. Great. Well finally Gemma or someone got their laptop so we listened to some real music for a while.. But people were being too loud for me to enjoy it while looking at the moon, sreaming some idiotic thing about "big booty." That was wonderful.

Is it so hard to tell when people want to be alone? But I didn't want to be entirely.. there were a few people there who I would have liked to just sat down with.

Well, at least the view was nice. Both the scenery around the house, and the "dance floor." Nothing suggestive here, I just mean that visually, it looked really good. The red, blue, and green lights were right behind them, shining out, so all you saw was silhouettes dancing with some features sticking out of the shadows.

Oh, yeah.. the movie Drumline was also on in the basement, so I couldn't seek refuge there, because.. the movie looked like shit when the previews were out, so I had no intention of seeing it. Also, Tyler Peck was being annoying. What else to complain about? Just myself, so I'll leave it.


I'm trying to find out where I recognize the song "Because the Night" by Loreena McKennitt from.. I mean, of course I know the song.. if you downloaded it, you'd probably know the tune and such.. I just have this little nagging feeling at the back of my neck that I heard it in some movie or something.. can anybody be of assistance? Maybe I can ask Hucke on monday.....

...in the springtime of my life.

Confirmation again and again - But it isn't enough

Some of my titles actually mean something really important I'm thinking about.. ones like this are only partially based on thought and partly on fantasy. This one is one of the latter.

So.. today was.. nothing. School didn't suck, but it hasn't yet this year. I'm on neutral ground with it. The only two bad classes I have are chem and precalc. They both just suck because they're incredibly boring, not because they're bad classes. Didn't have any particularly good conversations with anyone, nothing too memorable at least. Aerobics sucked as much as I expected it to, so no surprise there. Everything was neutral, but then again, nothing was satisfying. I'd like more of the satisfaction part. Thats the worst thing I can say about my life right now; not satisfying.

I wish more people would be open and honest. This is what is so great about some people I know. And it's also a weak point of many others. But none of that seems to matter, anymore. No real reason for the change, just the natural progression of things. I having to try to read into what people are saying. Hidden meanings and such. But then again, I can't really talk.. I put so much meaning into what I say without actually saying it, wondering if people actually pick up on it. They never really do. Well, some of them. Some of those who are open and honest. Ironic, no?

"How about another first kiss?" (TMBG)

I think, if I were to predict what my happiness graph were to be like sometime in the near future, it would be planing out about now, maybe gradually going up in a few months. I think I'm just kind of waiting for something to happen. And I'm manipulating it in little ways here and there to get that something to be in a favorable state for me. Hopefully this sort of thing works?

I love my fantasies in my head... Just little things I wish would happen, or how I'd want certain confrontations or situations to go. Though now I don't know how unrealistic or realistic some are.

I wonder how she'd take that?

I'm almost 100% sure I'll be shaving it all off this weekend. I don't really know why I grew it all out in the first place. Probably some stupid "new me" shit or something.. I really don't know, but I look in the mirror and I don't see me. I've also been playing with the idea of a haircut.. not much shorter, though, and getting my contacts back in.. who knows.

I.. really do wonder how she'd take it. How would I even be saying it? I think I know.

Lost opportunites? Were they ever there?

Doubtful.

Well.. Since I didn't really have an update yesterday, I'll do a longer one tooday.

Well, yesterday was cool. Sable and I went on a walk.. I guess I was supposed to have realized it before, but I now see that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Disapointing, to say the least, but.. I'm certainly not ready for another relationship right now, and I wouldn't want to be forced into one even if the proper emotions were there. Which I don't know if they were.

We eventually met up with Collin at his house, then Lance and Sable to no objection from me. We just hung around 2nd street, and eventually Evan, Alex, and McKenna showed up.. we just hung around and talked outside. Eventually, we all headed to Lance's out of sheer boredom. McKenna and Lance drove there while everyone else walked. When we were almost there, Sam and Sable said they were going off to OB Nelson park.. It was pretty obvious that they weren't exactly telling the truth at the time, and at the time I was confused as to why they (sable) felt the need to decieve us (me). Eventually Lance told us where they actually were ("with boys"), and today I learned from Davey that they went to see Bryan and crew. Seriously, if you think it bothers me that much, don't lie to me. God. Anyway..

We ended up watching True Lies, which I had never seen. I was the only one there who hadn't. Evan left pretty much right after we got there, and Alex left at 12.. well, the movie was good enough except for some cheesy parts.. Tom Arnold was actually pretty decent in it, except nearer to the end where he showed that he actually can't act worth a damn. But then again, Tom Arnold is the real life Banya. Well, the movie ended at 1, and so we all left. Twas cool seeing McKenna in such a situation. Never thought that was going to happen.

Alex is pretty cool.. he's the new guy, so obviously he has to get used to all of our stuff. I enjoy his "Have you ever played Bond for the n64"s and his "I've heard of a song called the Lumberjack Song!"s.. also enjoy the "Will somebody tell me what the fuck is going on?" "What just happened here" and such.. a few things should be explained to him about people. That and what we do and don't talk about, heh.. I don't think Collin was much enjoying some of the things he was saying.

Hmm.. It's strange to see where I get day to day.. Almost everything seems to be fine right now. Things have changed, not really for the better, but just different.. Things are as bad as I could have thought they would get for some things, but at least I know where I stand now. I've really need that for a while. And the bad things don't seem that bad anymore because of it.

Today I had no plans, so I decided to go to the Mineral/Gem show that Kelsey was working at to keep her from utter boredom, and me the same. But while I was walking there, Davey saw me from Fairfields Family Restaurant (which I had just been joking to myself several minutes before - "heh.. what if davey was at ffr?") and said he'd probably go to the show after eating.. well, I got there and talked to Kelsey for a few minutes, but she was at a table pretty much right at the enterance, and there were no chairs or anything around, so it was a bit akward with everyone coming in and customers coming up to her and me just standing there.. well, I went to look at the stones for a few minutes, and when I came back, Davey was there. We eventually found seats near the back, and so I couldn't really talk to Kelsey from there.. And Davey got bored, so we left there just 3 minutes before Kelsey got off work.. I was going to stay till she got off, but Davey was too bored.. oh well.. We saw Carrie Stever (..hope thats her last name) and Ann working at the animal clinic.. Came back and did nothing with Davey.

But then I decided since they were going to be due tomorrow, I would write my Troy Banner article and do the comic. The article was kind of short and didn't get the point across as strongly as I would like it to, but I'll probably just ask Sam to fix it up a bit in editing. The comic turned out well.. I sort of borrowed the idea from a little movie Collin and I saw a while back, but.. not to the point of copyright infringement.



Expect to see it very blurry and scaled down in the upcoming 8 page issue of the Banner.. TB next week.. god.. I'm going to have to miss the first meeting.. sigh.. damn grass. Or, rather, damn mom. Guuh.. I'll see if i can convince her to see if i can do it sometime later in the week.. like Tuesday. Bleehh...

I was randomly shuffling a deck of cards yesterday, and I decided that the top card I would draw would be something very symbolic of my life. I wouldn't believe it, but it's an interesting experiment to do to ones self. Well, I don't think I could have drawn a more symbolic card. Turned out to be the Queen of Hearts. Come on.. I mean.. you have to be kidding me, right? Queen of Hearts? With all this woman stuff I've got going on? Bah to you, luck of the draw!

He sighed, and they knew why

In other news.. I am quite possibly the luckiest man ever.

Is it strange that I don't know what I look like anymore?

..well I'm not really sure what to write here. I know the night was awsome, one of the best in memory, but now I'm feeling down. And fucking pissed off. So I don't really know if I should be writing about it now, but.. why the hell not.

Well, it started out slow. I showed up pretty early, I guess.. 6:30ish. Sam had to work at 7, so he gave me a ride. The only people that were there were Carrie, Jim, and Ann. Ann ended up reading some of the depressing stuff I wrote in my notebook and sympathised with me.. I didn't show it, but I really appreciated it. Eventually, Collin showed up and we passed out pamphlets for Government Death Gas, aka Oxygen, to random people. Evan soon showed up, followed by Sam and Sable, this new Alex guy, Erin, Jessica, Stephanie.. later on Hosbond came. Kelsey and Molly were there, but they weren't really around all of us. I'm probably forgetting someone, but.. oh well.

Collin and I did wacky stuff like compliment people on their non-existant hats, dance crazily, and stuff like that. I talked aquaintencyish to Erin, made jokes and such. Felt nice. I don't know if she wants to be actual friends, or just aquaintences. I'd prefer the former, but I can deal with the latter. I'm going to talk to her sometime.. ask her. I wish I had had the opportunity tonight.

Well, the night was active and fun, I really enjoyed it until Bryan seemed to get the idea that he's in our social group. He was just around for most of the night, not with us, really.. but then he was around more and more, and eventually when we all decided to go to the coffee house (and by we, I mean everyone but me).. He was just there. All the time, then. I can't stand the sound of his voice. I can't stand his general presence. So when they said they were going to the band-thingy at the matress store, I excused myself and walked home. So now they're all out having fun, and I'm.. here. Isn't that a great feeling? No. No it isn't.

So, pretty much, my life would be perfect right now if it weren't for Bryan. But I guess he isn't going away, or something.. I know I've played my cards badly with him, and.. well, just in general lately. So I guess happiness is a double edged blade. That's in my heart right now, twisting. And it's name is Bryan. Die.

I really don't know what to say. I know I'm hurt and I know I'm overreacting and that I'm basing this feeling I'm having on nothing, but right now it's all muted and I can't feel it. I hate that. I want to feel my emotions, not just a slight sadness in all of my thoughts. I can't even concentrate on anything right now.

Erin was so easy to be with. I think that's something that had really attracted me to her. As much as I don't want to overgeneralize with people, most girls are hard to be with.. confusing and such.. but not Erin. She didn't have any hidden meanings in what she said, she actually meant what she said.. I'm not really getting my point across as well as I want to, but.. I think it's clear enough. All the girls in my life right now are so complicated and not easy to be with... probably just a maturity factor, but.. I wouldn't really know.

She opened my emotions.. I had never really felt anything before I was with Erin, it was all muted, and she let me experience happiness, but it also let me experience everything else.. real sadness, jealousy.. it kind of ruined that part of me that was so easygoing.. And I thank her so much for opening me up, but I don't really know if I was prepared for it. I'm certainly not dealing with them well now..

I thought that time would heal everything bad in my life.. I had assumed that that time was now, but I guess I was wrong. Theres too much there now.. I've become more of a complex person than I can handle. I really hope tomorrow works out.

You've blown my mind twice before, and you've done it again

...wow.

that was.. amazing.

out of respect for her, I won't go much into this, but.. that was the most emotionally healing conversation I have ever had, and that I ever expect to have in the next EVER. It was amazing. In every way it covered everything that I had wanted to say, or that I felt, or wanted to know. Well, not everything, but it implied it all. So if you read this: Thank you. It really meant a lot to me. And even though it may not have been for me, it certainly felt like it was.

...I have.. nothing else to say.


Each of those spikes and.. unspikes are individual events.

I'll fake it through the day with some help from Johnny Walker red...

I find myself at 16 looking back on my childhood and wishing I had grown up differently.

I've slipped into my depressed playlist again. I've been very up and down the past month.. I.. don't like who I've become. Not just in the past year or so, but.. overall. I've always thought I would be different. I think, from the surface, many of those things I wanted are there, but those are the hollow things that don't really mean anything to me. But then again, not much does nowadays.

Today in French class, Mrs. Hansen asked a question along the lines of "Who in this room has a really close friend? One you can share anything with?" Everyone in the class but me raised there hand. Or, at least, I couldn't spot anyone else. This has been something that has been bugging me for quite a long time. I've wanted a best friend for years. I think I almost had that with Collin, but we were never there, and we're deffinately not there now. I wanted that with Sable. That's what I tried to do, and.. situations, people, and emotions got in our way. And I don't know what sort of relationship we have now. I want to try. I keep trying. I've been trying for 2 months. But every day, we're slipping further apart, and I can feel it, and she can feel it. Like she said to me.. it feels to her that everything she does is wrong in my eyes. And it feels like that because.. well.. thats how I feel. And I want to apologize for that, but it wouldn't be real, so I can't. I still feel it. I told her what was wrong from my side, I told her every little thing that I was angry for her at. And she didn't hear a word of it. And that just baffles me. I am simply astounded by the entire situation. And we haven't talked in a week. And when we did, it was for an hour. And before that it was a month. And I want to apologize for that. But she never gives me the opportunity. And I miss her so much. There is a void in my life where she was, and I want her back there, and I don't know why it isn't happening. But I do know it is my fault.

I just wanted that.. can't you see that? No. I don't suppose you can.
But I can't tell you, or it will mean nothing.
But I have to tell you, or we will be nothing.
Which is worse?
That's the decision I have to make.

I want to know why I feel what I feel. And I want to know how everything is going to turn out. Because I want to know if I'm going to have to rebuild my life. And I want to apologize. But the world won't let me. And I won't let myself.

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy

Well.. I smell like carrots, I'm tired of being bored - yet I don't want to go back to school, dreading studying the vandertramps, Link is losing to that pansy Cloud, and now I'm listening to the ultimate "I suck" song for me, so.. net loss of 6 happiness points. But I still have a few left. I think.

God damn Cloud..

Well, today, went on a nice little wandery walky thing with Collin and Kelsey, fun enough. Nice seeing Kelsey out of school and not on MSN.

This weekend's word was: boredom! Yay! I saw a few people, but just for small amounts of time, except friday. That was cool, but.. now it just seems like it happened a long time ago. We need to do that more often. Fun stuff. Guurgh.. now I have to go study VANDERTRAMPS! DAMN YOU DR. VANDERTRAMP! YOU AND YOUR WIFE!

It's nice to imagine things are about you

..even when you know it's complete imagination. But then theres always that part of me that wants to write "...right?" after that. And I want to slap him :(

The word of the day is "sigh." Boredom ensued this weekend. Spent most of the day in doing nothing. Went out to lunch yesterday with Sam, watched some Chobits and saw ep1 of Ikki Tousen with him and Davey, but didn't see anybody today. Watched a bit of tv, talked to people on the computer, generally melted all over the floor.

I've got some stuff going on in my head right now. But then again, don't I always? Much too dangerous to write on here. Even the preliminaries on it. It'll come out to something nice I'm guessing, but not great. Oh well.

Tomorrow I'll probably do nothing. Maybe get out of the house finally, wander around for a while.. gurgle in a pile.

You know what I've found out? I like to walk around in the streets with my socks on. They get dirty and I have to change them, but they make outside feel much more casual.. like I own it. HA! PWNED! But seriously.. it's a nice feeling. Too bad its all wet out right now.

I don't suppose there was a reason to this post other than the "..right?" thing that only I know about, and then feel guilty about. But.. I did take two seperate "What Pocky Flavor are You?" tests today. Two different people made them, completely different questions, different sites.. but both times.. I'm Milk Pocky. Guess the tests must be accurate. Now I want Milk Pocky. :(