On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

Is it strange that I don't know what I look like anymore?

..well I'm not really sure what to write here. I know the night was awsome, one of the best in memory, but now I'm feeling down. And fucking pissed off. So I don't really know if I should be writing about it now, but.. why the hell not.

Well, it started out slow. I showed up pretty early, I guess.. 6:30ish. Sam had to work at 7, so he gave me a ride. The only people that were there were Carrie, Jim, and Ann. Ann ended up reading some of the depressing stuff I wrote in my notebook and sympathised with me.. I didn't show it, but I really appreciated it. Eventually, Collin showed up and we passed out pamphlets for Government Death Gas, aka Oxygen, to random people. Evan soon showed up, followed by Sam and Sable, this new Alex guy, Erin, Jessica, Stephanie.. later on Hosbond came. Kelsey and Molly were there, but they weren't really around all of us. I'm probably forgetting someone, but.. oh well.

Collin and I did wacky stuff like compliment people on their non-existant hats, dance crazily, and stuff like that. I talked aquaintencyish to Erin, made jokes and such. Felt nice. I don't know if she wants to be actual friends, or just aquaintences. I'd prefer the former, but I can deal with the latter. I'm going to talk to her sometime.. ask her. I wish I had had the opportunity tonight.

Well, the night was active and fun, I really enjoyed it until Bryan seemed to get the idea that he's in our social group. He was just around for most of the night, not with us, really.. but then he was around more and more, and eventually when we all decided to go to the coffee house (and by we, I mean everyone but me).. He was just there. All the time, then. I can't stand the sound of his voice. I can't stand his general presence. So when they said they were going to the band-thingy at the matress store, I excused myself and walked home. So now they're all out having fun, and I'm.. here. Isn't that a great feeling? No. No it isn't.

So, pretty much, my life would be perfect right now if it weren't for Bryan. But I guess he isn't going away, or something.. I know I've played my cards badly with him, and.. well, just in general lately. So I guess happiness is a double edged blade. That's in my heart right now, twisting. And it's name is Bryan. Die.

I really don't know what to say. I know I'm hurt and I know I'm overreacting and that I'm basing this feeling I'm having on nothing, but right now it's all muted and I can't feel it. I hate that. I want to feel my emotions, not just a slight sadness in all of my thoughts. I can't even concentrate on anything right now.

Erin was so easy to be with. I think that's something that had really attracted me to her. As much as I don't want to overgeneralize with people, most girls are hard to be with.. confusing and such.. but not Erin. She didn't have any hidden meanings in what she said, she actually meant what she said.. I'm not really getting my point across as well as I want to, but.. I think it's clear enough. All the girls in my life right now are so complicated and not easy to be with... probably just a maturity factor, but.. I wouldn't really know.

She opened my emotions.. I had never really felt anything before I was with Erin, it was all muted, and she let me experience happiness, but it also let me experience everything else.. real sadness, jealousy.. it kind of ruined that part of me that was so easygoing.. And I thank her so much for opening me up, but I don't really know if I was prepared for it. I'm certainly not dealing with them well now..

I thought that time would heal everything bad in my life.. I had assumed that that time was now, but I guess I was wrong. Theres too much there now.. I've become more of a complex person than I can handle. I really hope tomorrow works out.