On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

I'll fake it through the day with some help from Johnny Walker red...

I find myself at 16 looking back on my childhood and wishing I had grown up differently.

I've slipped into my depressed playlist again. I've been very up and down the past month.. I.. don't like who I've become. Not just in the past year or so, but.. overall. I've always thought I would be different. I think, from the surface, many of those things I wanted are there, but those are the hollow things that don't really mean anything to me. But then again, not much does nowadays.

Today in French class, Mrs. Hansen asked a question along the lines of "Who in this room has a really close friend? One you can share anything with?" Everyone in the class but me raised there hand. Or, at least, I couldn't spot anyone else. This has been something that has been bugging me for quite a long time. I've wanted a best friend for years. I think I almost had that with Collin, but we were never there, and we're deffinately not there now. I wanted that with Sable. That's what I tried to do, and.. situations, people, and emotions got in our way. And I don't know what sort of relationship we have now. I want to try. I keep trying. I've been trying for 2 months. But every day, we're slipping further apart, and I can feel it, and she can feel it. Like she said to me.. it feels to her that everything she does is wrong in my eyes. And it feels like that because.. well.. thats how I feel. And I want to apologize for that, but it wouldn't be real, so I can't. I still feel it. I told her what was wrong from my side, I told her every little thing that I was angry for her at. And she didn't hear a word of it. And that just baffles me. I am simply astounded by the entire situation. And we haven't talked in a week. And when we did, it was for an hour. And before that it was a month. And I want to apologize for that. But she never gives me the opportunity. And I miss her so much. There is a void in my life where she was, and I want her back there, and I don't know why it isn't happening. But I do know it is my fault.

I just wanted that.. can't you see that? No. I don't suppose you can.
But I can't tell you, or it will mean nothing.
But I have to tell you, or we will be nothing.
Which is worse?
That's the decision I have to make.

I want to know why I feel what I feel. And I want to know how everything is going to turn out. Because I want to know if I'm going to have to rebuild my life. And I want to apologize. But the world won't let me. And I won't let myself.