On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

Don't be afraid to remember your tears

Well first of all, my mom came in to talk to me a bit ago about the moving and all, and after a while she said that, even though I hadn't gone out and said it to her, she could tell that it really didn't work for me to move, and that she thinks that she'll be able to keep the house at least until I have to go, so.. yay for that. The only way that we would deffinately move now is if my Grandpa died, which, although he isn't in the best of health, I don't nescessarily think is going to happen anytime in the near future.

School last week was more bearable than usual, as I got into the mindset on monday that it was wednesday, tuesday to thursday, and so on. Mary, Xander, and Andrew were all down this weekend, which was really cool. Made it seem a bit more like last year. A bunch of people were gone over break, so I ended up at either Alex's or Kelsey's most of the time.

It's been a while, so I can't really remember which day it was, but.. some day last week, more than likely wednesday (the actual one, not my wednesday), I got together with Andrew one-on-one, which was really cool. I had never really seen him in such a situation before - it had always been with other people. Being around Andrew is different than being around other people, but in a good way. Being with Quinn or whoever doesn't really give me the ability to get my thoughts out as well as I would like, because.. whoever else either doesn't really seem interested in me, or is just the kind of person who is just the "lets go do something fun" kind of individual.

We talked about all sorts of things, most of which I can't remember. He gave me some really good advice on things, and pointed out some shortfallings I have that I haven't really examined in the past, and I'm trying to take some of it to heart. Hopefully I can.

With both Quinn and Gemma gone, the weekend was pretty mellow in the people aspect. Went to Xanders a few times - the three griffins, Collin, Andrew, and myself, the first time. We watched Monty Python and hung out.. Not exciting, but nice. The second time Mary was there, as was Evan, and Collin was absent. We played Outburst (fun stuff), went to KFC, went back, watched some cool movie with Elijah Wood (first half was great, second half let down).. good stuff. Also went to Kelseys a few times.. just hung out and was with her.. went on a walk with her yesterday.. wound up in the woods.. beautiful sunset, great weather.. went back to her house and watched Bruce Almighty and Spaceballs with her family.. good stuff.

On actual thanksgiving, we went to some person's house for like 2 hours.. I didn't know them, and didn't know anybody there except Gaelyn (ha, Sara! I ate lunch with Gaelyn :P), even though I don't actually know him.. the food was decent at best (the stuffing was overspiced and horrible, no mashed potatoes, decent pumpkin pie, piles of tofu and nasty vegetables), and after me sitting there silently till the end, my mom and I went and saw Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. It was pretty good, for what it was. Great CGI, great acting by the youngest boy, and... well, by most of the cast. The story was okay, albeit predictable. Some of the lines were good and such.. didn't do much after I got back.

Today I did nothing.. I should be reading that damned story for composition, but.. I'm writing in here. I went to the library to see if they had either of the Dirk Gently books (by Douglas Adams), but.. they suck. I was going to do the inter-library loan thing, but.. I didn't have $1 with me.. I came back and downloaded the first one, but.. don't like to read on the computer. It's to chapter 9 and they havn't even introduced Dirk yet, which.. is really weird, but, I like it so far. Well, I'm off.

Oh yeah, and I got a haircut. I'm kind of happy with it. Not really what I wanted.

I'm not surprised at all, but really, why should I be? See nothing wrong. So sick and tired...

Joy.

joy (joi) v.
To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.

sar·casm (särkzm) n.
Cutting or bitter irony.

antonyms for joy:
Sadness, unhappiness

So my mom just told me she wants to move. Not out of state or anything, but.. god dammit. How about having a stable childhood for once? I live in two different homes with different parents, I've lived in 9 different houses in my lifetime, and now, I'll be moving again.

She says money is too tight and that she can't keep up with the house.. big news.. hasn't it been like that for the past 3 years? At least the past year. Well, we're not finding a smaller house, or moving to an apartment or anything.. Instead, we'll be moving in with my grandpa. His house is quite big, far too big for him. It's got 2 bedrooms upstairs, and a bedroom and livingroom downstairs.

I have the option of either living in the [small] bedroom upstairs with my grandpa always 20 ft. away, or downstairs. I would by far pick downstairs, except for the fact that.. the livingroom downstairs and the bedroom are connected and open. So my mom would spend all of her time in the living room, and I would be.. 10 feet away. Hmmm.. sound like another fucking house I live at?

There are many, many issues I have with this situation. First, is the moving part. I like my room. I like my house. I LIKE MY FUCKING HOUSE. For once in my life, I live in somewhere that I like (other than where I grew up), and.. I move out. Sound like every other disapointment in my life? Yes. I moved from one house I hated to a house I hated even more at my dads, so.. that isn't a big deal. But.. I love this house, and.. my grandpas house isn't my home, and I don't think it ever will be.

The second issue I have with it is that it involves living with my grandpa. He's a very kind man, but.. So much that he does gets on my mother's nerves, and by the way she describes it, I know I'll fucking hate it. The man will be unbearable to live with. I love him and all, but.. I don't think I'll be able to live with him. Just the way he.. augh.. I know I can't describe it, but.. the man is completely eccentric in the most annoying ways. I wish I could describe it, but.. urgh..

The third is his dog. I can't stand his dog. It's not a fucking dog. Its some sort of stupid deer.. its completely unaffectionate, an attention whore (almost like a cat :( ), and it's just.. weird. It shits all over everything, it's really old and whines quite loudly whenever it's not within 2 feet of my grandpa, and.. its huge. I.. don't like greyhounds.

Theres just so much.. I.. don't know how to get it out. It's fucking horrible and rediculous, and.. jesus christ, I only had 2 more years here. Don't you think that everything could just be normal for two years? Is that so much to ask?

My mind is already trying to block this out, pretending it will never happen and that nothing was said, that it isn't even a possibility. But.. it most likely won't be happening for another year, and.. theres a chance that it won't happen at all. Not likely though.

I want my life to be normal.. I just want everything to just settle and stay that way until I graduate.



How about some fucking stability in my life for once?

Did you know that?

Fuck you Sarah Brightman. And you, Loreena McKennit.


It's not that it's bad, it's that it was so good.


..sigh.. the product of a shitty day.

Oh let me tell you, I have seen...

Thespian Conference, 2003

Fun stuff. I went last year as well with a group of about 10 people and I was friends, or at least good aquaintences with all of them as far as I remember. It was a nice little group and we had a lot of fun.

...this year, there were about 60 students who went. Not quite the same atmosphere. This time there were so many people, and consequently, many more friends. The bus trip over was okay. Sat around Corey, Jed, Davey, Collin, etc and we just talked and such.. nothing special. We went straight to the conference. We wandered around for a bit, everybody getting their bearings. Nobody really did anything for a while. We eventually went to the basketball court where people were playing games and such ("Na-na-na-na-nana-na-na-na-na-nana-na-na-na-na-nana this is how we ride.. front to front to front, my actor, back to back to back, my actor, side to side my actor, this is how we ride")

We played games and such until we had to go to Noises Off at 6:30. Good stuff. It dragged quite a bit in the thrid act, but maybe thats just because the second act was so great. When I told my mom about it, she said she didn't like the show years ago when she saw it because it was too slapstick, but that's what I loved about it. And their set.. OHGOD. Was so beautiful. Though I think I acutally liked The Nerd's set last year more, even though it wasn't as impressive.

When we got to the hotel afterwards, we all went inside and to our rooms. I was rooming with Collin, Givan, and Eric. Givan and Eric, are.. to say the least.. not people that I would want to hang around with. But it was no matter. Collin and I bedded with each other (under different layers of sheets, of course), and we went to sleep almost right away. Except when Givan and Eric had to take showers.. Collin kept reminding me that only a few feet away, Eric was completely naked. Bastard.

We had to wake up at 5:30, as were putting on our show this year at the conference, which our school had never done before. Tired times for all - although i wasn't actually too tired. Had a good breakfast at the hotel. They had their own waffle maker :D. As anyone whos reading this already knows, the show is sub-par at best (unless you're one of those sick fucks who actually like it. sorry, had to put some Davey humor in there.), and we didn't put on the best performance we'd ever done, but it was still up there - but the audience this time was much more receptive. Instead of being parents and senior citizens, they were high school kids who actually got the humor, references, and knew the songs/show/story.

I messed up on two small lines, but nothing major. My beard was falling off almost the entire show, so that was.. fun. I was kind of distracted because of it at parts, and for some reason my performance was a bit off, but nothing bad. Everyone else seemed to be doing fine, and although the play dragged a bit in the second half, it picked up again. I was very pleased the audience got the "inconceivable!" Princess Bride reference - one of the biggest laughs of the show, along with "I am your father" and "bombe-bombe." Apparently the audience liked it because it was so campy, but I didn't get to talk to anybody firsthand, really. Probably because nobody recognized me without the makeup.

After we had loaded the set into the trailer and such.. well, I don't entirely remember what we did. Just wandered around, talked to people, sat.. probably something else. We eventually made our way to the awards cerimonies which sucked because you couldn't hear what they were singing/saying. After that we all wandered and such. I met up with some girl who I met at State speech last year, and she, Jed, Collin, a bunch of her friends, and myself all sat down and ate lunch together. Good times. Eventually we got dragged away from them and did.. something. It all kind of runs together, you know? It most likely involved wandering around and talking for a while until we had to go to the next show.

It was called "Every 17 minutes, the audience goes crazy" or something similar. It started off with a cool choral reading sequence with dancing and flashlights and newspapers and.. a lot of weird stuff, which was all very nice. For 5 minutes, until it ended. After that, it went into some shitty plotline about some girl who arrives home and shes insane and her brother is fucked up and.. well, I fell asleep about 5 minutes into that because.. I didn't see anything to stay awake for, and I was damn tired. The acting was terrible and the plot sounded bad. I woke up every single time the audience started clapping (though it seemed more like a pity clap), stayed conscious only enough to clap, then fell directly back to sleep. Very weird sensation, looking back on it. Well, afterwards I asked other people and they said it was awful, so just as well that I fell asleep. As Corey so wonderfully put it, "It should have been called 'Every 17 minutes, it stops sucking so much'" or something similar.

We then went directly to workshops. The first one I went to was Stage Combat. It was way too short for what he wanted to teach us, so he just showed us the basic stance, attacks, and blocks. I knew all that so that part wasn't too great, but the he showed us a bit to do with shields, with blocking out a fight, and some basic axe/2 handed sword stuff. It was pretty interesting.

Afterwards I want out and found Gemma and people, we sat down and just layed there a while, fully planning on going to another workshop. Too bad we're all perfectly content to sit around and just talk. The company was good, except Michael Smith (right?), but he wasn't all that bad. Jenny was feeling bad, so I tried to just comfort her by putting my arm around her and such.. maybe she was just sick because of the whole shingles thing, but.. maybe it was the Venesula thing? Well I wouldn't know, because nobody bothered to tell me about it.

We then had dinner which sucked. It was a sandwich with nothing in it, some barely decent cookies, classic lays (too plain.. bleh), and some godawful tang-tasting orance juice (they were out of chocolate milk :( ).. then was the auction which I somehow didn't make it to last year. Our poster sold for $18 (would have been $16 if it weren't for Slechta bidding twice in a row to get it up) - Carrie won the bet on how much it would be. I guessed $25. :(

Then, off to Godspell. The lights were amazing, the acting and singing as well.. just.. wow. By far the most professional high school play I've ever seen. Just amazing. Too bad Godspell sucks. Way too preachy for me, plus it has no plot and isn't too interesting. I mean, sure, it's a great way to show the bible, but.. not to me, sorry. During intermission, Sam (K) asked me how i was "doing," in reference to it. I said I was fine but it was too preachy, and she said something about barely being able to handle it. That struck me as strange, as.. I thought she was christian. Oh well. Godspell put all the other plays to shame in terms of technical quality..

I got some award which is supposedly impressive. All-state recognition. I had assumed that it was no big deal, as Jenny was called onto stage for set stuff as well, so I assumed Slechta picked people from the play to go up, as Jenny wouldn't have been known to the thespian people, but.. as Hosbond revealed, it was not so. Though.. I forget who it was, but.. somebody had a damn good point. probably quinn.. since there was one male and female up in acting from each play, who was my competition? Everyone who's better than me has a smaller part, and.. well, there's Eric and Givan. It's not like it's that big of a choice, but.. oh well. It'll look good on a college thing probably.

The ride home was okay.. Ann sat next to Sam, Carrie, and I.. we were being perverted for about half an hour in there and Ann didn't seem too happy about that, but.. eh, what are you gonna do? Carrie cheated in the.. ahem.. "eating" of the banana, and folded it up in her mouth (no I most certainly did not take place in the contest - I have my limits). Corey also sat near, so.. fun times with he, Collin, and Jed as well. GHOST is a damn good game.

Got back, unloaded set, met up with Quinn and Talon and walked with them as they went to their respective houses... told stories of conference (such as Miko - see http://www.collin-the-weak.com ). Got in late and did nothing. And that.. is about it.

Good times. Wish I could have spread my time out between a few more people, but.. so it goes.

How could it have gotten this far off course?

Well I wasn't planning on posting tonight, until I went back to an earlier post and read the comments. I'm going to post about this, and although she may not be happy about it, I feel justified in doing so, and, really.. it can't hurt anything, because there's nothing to hurt. This was a comment by Erin.

"Leave Lance alone! My Goddess why do you have to bad mouth people so. DO you really think that by putting it on a wedsite it somehow doesn't hurt people's feelings! Fuck you, I'm so tired of it, and you all hate us for some reason. Well fuck we have one more year (and believe me it's against my will) that we have to spend with you. But then don't worry I'm moving as fucking far away from you people here in "stay for a while and we'll make your life shit field". I just don't understand what happened. I remember happiness and love and giddiness, then it became BE this and only this I can't breath, now it's oh you broke up with me so I hate you and I'm going to call you a bitch and then pretend nothings going on when I see you in school. I don't want to talk to you, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to defeat myself and my friends from your shit making energy. Get a fucking life or get off of my fucking cloud."

First of all, I was not badmouthing lance. I simply stated my opinion of what ablilities he believes he has. Weather he has them or not has no bearing on what my opinion is. You can believe what you want to, as can he. But entitle me to the same rights. I was not posting my thoughts on his abilities, but instead was only negative towards Gemma and Jenny for abandoning the rest of the group to go with him. I nowhere in my post said anything bad about Lance, except for the quotations around "reading," implying that I did not believe that he had certain psychic abilities. Nothing negative towards him. I could say the same about any of my friends if they believed they did as well.

I don't know why you think "we" hate you. I don't know who the we is referring to, but for now I'll talk about it coming from me. I honestly do not know where you get the idea. At times I think that, yes, some people such as myself do get fed up with your sometimes condecending tone, or perhaps some of your actions which you may not realize that you are doing. This is no way applies hate. I feel this same way about many of my closest friends. Just because they may have certain undesirable qualities doesn't imply negative feelings towards them. I do not hate anyone in this world, and dislike only several. I like you very much. The same goes for Jessica and Lance. I suppose situations have gone beyond our control, things may have been blown out of proportion or things may have been misunderstood, but I do not want you feeling that I don't like you. For whatever reason. Ever. I want you to know that, in all honesty. I only hope you can believe me.

Saying that you have one more year that you have to spend with us, I realize this most likely stems from the fact that you feel that certain people don't wish for your company. Although you may not be able to see it, you've distanced yourself from them more than the other way around, and I have no doubt that if you wanted to be with them, they would have no objection. If this is the case, I would encourage you to talk to them, or even myself if you feel so inclined. If you have an objection to the way you're being treated, voice it. Nobody wishes any ill upon you, and I can say that with 100% assurance.

In response to the memory of love/giddiness, yes, I think we all remember that and yearn for that time. Things have changed, but that doesn't mean this feeling has to be lost forever. Things may be mended. It is your choice weather or not you will accept them back into your life. If the "be this and only this," is to how I treated you in our relationship, then I am truly sorry. At the time I was not aware, and realized it far too late to make a difference in anything between us, unless a difference can be made now.

But my feelings on being broken up with is far from how you see it. I have no ill feelings. None at all. This could be the farthest thing from my heart. I came to terms with everything to do with our relationship ending months ago. I've been over it for quite a time, and I see you as simply a person who I used to know. There are no lingering feelings from that.

When I referred to you as a bitch, I think I am justified. If you need an explanation, I will give you one. But first I must you must realize this. You have treated me with equal or more disrespect in this aspect. I believe it was you who reffered to me, along with the other guys I hang out with, as "assholes" to Astred. Perhaps you don't think of this as hurtful as "bitch," but I assure you otherwise, in my case at least. This is possibly one of the worst things I myself could be called. It is attacking the personality at the very core. I was extremely hurt by this. But how I reffered to you was not a petty retaliation. No, It was simply attacking what behavior you exibited. You treated myself and others with a lack of respect, and showed no signs of honoring their opinions, only your own. What I observed from you was behavior that I would attribute to a bitch, yes. I feel that I need no further explaination. I'm sorry if this has hurt you, but you must realize how you make others feel as well.

On pretending nothing is going on when you see me in school.. I am simply respecting your wishes. If you would like (as I would), I would talk to you, try to work things out. I thought you wanted to avoid any and all conflict, but if this is not the case, then I would be happy to be involved in a conversation about anything with you, be it negative towards me, or trying to perhaps mend things between us, or at least between you and our mutual friends.

My energy is not meant to be harmful or negative. It serves me how I need it, and I am unaware of any affects it has on others. I would expect one to voice their opinions on this if you felt that it would possibly lead to such a situation that you spoke of.

I have a life. It may not be one which you agree with my actions in, but it is the only one I know, and it is all I can do with myself.

And I was never on your fucking cloud, you never wanted me there.


...I wish you only the best, and hope that one day any conflict between us may be solved. And if there would be any possibility of friendship left in the ruins of the relationship we had, I wish it would surface if you so wished.

thank you

that was amazing

It's funny how your dreams change as you're growing old
You don't wanna be no spaceman, you just want gold

Pretty good weekend, I guess. 3 day weekend, so Thursday night we all did.. something, and eventually wound up at the coffee house. There Gemma, Lance, Kelsey, and Alex were. Quinn, Jenny, Astred, Diana, and... probably someone else went too. Eventually, surprise, surprise, we wound up at Tiffany's. There we sat around for a while and that was pretty cool. Then Jenny and Gemma decided the want a "reading" from Lance. Quinn and I were pretty vocal about our opinions on them doing so. So they left us all for like.. an hour. Eventually Quinn went up to where they were, popped in and said "How's the ego-fest going?" and then left. Eventually I got fed up and he and I followed by some others went in and told them how much they sucked and made them come down, which only Gemma did anyway. And then she switched places with Jenny. So that sucked.

No school friday, but we had practice early so i had to get up at 9. Afterwards, I went to Quinn's where we waited for Tiffany and Gemma to come over so we could go to Iowa City. We stopped off at Washington, saw Quinn's old house and romped through a park for a while. We eventually made our way to Iowa City, went downtown and ate at Pancheros.. 2nd weekend in a row :D

We also went to the mall where Quinn got a hat and both his and my skin were burned off by entering Old Navy. We walked around and shopped and stuff, then eventually left. We convinced Andrew to come down with us, so he was with us on the way back. I had shotgun, and Tiffany were driving, so I barely talked at all on the way back.. fell asleep a few times. Eventually we made our way to Andrew's house and got his van. We drove over to Revelations where everyone was and eventually made our way to Tiffany's again. Tiffany and Gemma left to go see Makado. Jenny, Astred, Nandi, Jim and Kyle were there when we got there.

Everyone who had come from Revelations stayed upstairs and decided to go on a walk. I was feeling pretty low-energy, so I stayed in the basement. Kyle was being a dumbass the entire time, and when Jim's around him he gets pretty annoying, so that.. wasn't cool. Eventually Nandi left because it was so boring. Jim, Kyle, and Jenni went upstairs and I just listened to some music until I heard everyone else get back. I made my way upstairs and was just feeling pretty shitty for no reason at all. I just sat around till everyone started leaving and got a ride home.

Yesterday I felt bad about not seeing Kelsey in a while and went to her house at 1. We just sat around at her house talking and such and had to go to the play at 6. It went okay.. audience didn't laugh much, there was no energy, but.. eh. Afterwards we had the pizza party. That was much fun. Quinn showed up with Gemma and such and we all started cheering for him and chanting his name. Everyone had forgotten to order pizza from Clint, so we all pitched in and got one.. somehow this worked out so I only have to pay Nandi back $2, so.. works for me. After that we all piled into cars and.. GASP! we went to Tiffany's. No! you say. Yes! I respond. It's true.

We couldn't go into the basement because the carpet was being cleaned or something, so we all went up to Astred's room and sat and layed. I think the total count of people there was.. Gemma, Jenny, Nandi, Astred, Sara, Diana, Jim, Quinn, Collin, Davey, Cliff, Moschak, Jon, Ben, and myself. Some people left after a bit because it was getting a tad late. Jenny and Astred broke off from the group and Astred's tiny room and went into her mom's room.. they called me in and we cuddled and layed there, and eventually Collin came in, as did Quinn, and they fought for bedspace, then.. well, everyone else came in. So we all kept switching rooms back and forth. Good times. We all left around 12:30 and went home.

Now it's sunday and I'm about to get dressed before I go to the play. I've got my wallet with $2 in it for Nandi, about to go take a shower and then check on my grandpa, then off to another exciting adventure at the play. Then I have to mow my grandpa's lawn. So I probably won't do anything today. Joy.

MATRIX

OMFG YES!

That's what my friends say...

Well goddammit.. it's 1 and I want to go to sleep.. but I also do feel a bit like posting.. so here we go..

No real interesting or noteworthy changes in anything. It's all pretty much a constant right now. A constant standing on the edge, though. Though I don't think it will fall off anytime.

Rocky Horror was a big disapointment. There was barely anyone at the theater and we didn't get any audience participation kits (with the toast, rice, etc). There was absolutely no energy there, except for those 4 people in the front.. I'm suprised they went for the whole time. I also didnt hear Superhero, which I haven't bothered watching on the DVD yet.. Alex said it was on last year's print.

Alex, Tiffany, Collin, Michelle and I went up. There were supposedly other people I knew (I think I was supposed to know some of them, anyway) going up, but they didn't make it due to a mix-up involving the time. We stayed at Alex's and watched Beetlejuice which I love, and Some Like it Hot which I'd never seen before.. good stuff. Very good stuff, actually. Loved it. We all kind of fell asleep where we were. I was going to sleep on Alex's [double] bed with him and let the others fend for themselves, but by the time both the movies were over, he was long asleep, so I just fell asleep on the futon with Tiffany.

We had hung out at Chris' dorm for a bit.. that might have been a bit better if I had known him better, but.. oh well. Saw Travis up there, but I never really knew him well either. Andrew and Mary also joined us for part of the time.. good seeing Mary again. I don't know where Cynthia was, because I believe she's still living with Alex, but.. eh. I don't know.

In the morning Tiffany made french toast for all of us which was tastelicious and we watched some awsome old show called "Storyteller." It was an episode about a guy who got a magical deck of playing cards that always let him win and a sack ("Whats this?" "...A sack?" "Well if its a sack, then GET IN IT!") that he could call any manner of creature into.. he wound up at a palace tricking some deamons into giving him thier gold, trapping them in the sack and beating them, and eventually getting a chalice that he could see Death through.. he eventually trapped Death in the sack and when people were so old and weary that they wanted to die, as did he, he let death out of the sack to take them and himself. Death was too frightened of him, though, and so he still wanders the earth, immortal.. Good stuff, but ended on a sad note. Which I do like.

What else? Halloween night was disapointing.. Just ended up going to Gemma's late in the evening and sitting around with people and talking.. it was nice and casual and such, it was what I like to do, but I just felt like since it was Halloween, we should have done something a bit more exciting. And everyone went home at like.. 11:30. Damn people and their real parents. Oh well.

The night before was actual trick-or-treating, which I didn't end up doing.. We went to Gemma's then Nandi's and hung out and had fun and such.. met up with David and Alex which was a bit weird, as I don't usually hang out with David, especially not with Gemma and such.. Well, it was fun anyway.. until everyone decided it would be lovely if we went to Lance's. Oh BOY. Gotta love that Lance. *cough* Especially when Erin and Jessica are there to just make it ever so fun.

Well Collin and I weren't big supporters of the whole "going to Lance's" deal, so we encouraged everyone not to go, and when Lance apparently wasn't home, we all left and went to Noel's where everyone was. Oh boy. Fun fun. Going to hang out with all the people that don't care to be around me anymore.. Erin, Jessica, Lance, Sam, Sable, Jim, Carrie... Wow. Needless to say, I didn't feel that great being there, but that didn't last for long. Collin left sometime in there, I'm guessing because he didnt want to be around Erin.. that coupled with Lance, most likely. Something like that. I wish I could have done the same.. Gaah..

Something that really annoyed me last week... I made some joke to Carrie (with collin standing right next to me) about her going off and having sex with collin, and she said something in vain of "Hah.. I couldn't do that; Erin would kill me."
..excuse me? Isn't she not going out with him anymore? Sure, she can feel that way, but when other people would feel restricted towards doing something with collin (be it a joke or not), that isn't her right.

...Life would be much easier without her in it. But then again, she isn't really, anyway. I have no idea how she feels towards me right now. I thought it was pretty clear when she said she never wanted to talk to me again that.. well.. she didn't want anything to do with me. Now every once in a while she says a comment to me or makes a joke or something.

I wish I could write a bit more on a different subject, but.. well.. I can't. So I'll leave it at that.