On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

Well don't I feel like a fool.

Wow. Thanks a lot. How terribly nice of you.

4 fucking words. Hello. Thanks. Goodbye. Gregory. Now that's what real friends are like, right?

I'm not going to say "Fuck You," because that would be giving up, and I'm not ready to do that because I like having you as a friend. But obviously new relationships are more important than old friendships to you. And if that's how you work, go ahead. I would have liked to talk to you tonight, Sable, but you obviously didn't. I apologized to you, and that is a big step for me, because I can't do that very often. Like Collin told me, I always have to be right, and rarely can I admit when I'm wrong. And I did. And that wasn't good enough for you.

I'd never felt like the apple blossom before Wednesday... Id always been the other..

Right now, life sucks pretty bad. And it's not just Erin. I've figured out my fundamental problem. I cannot accept people for who they are. Ever. I have to change them as I see fit. And this just doesn't work. People cant accept that. But why should they? Why should they make themselves fit into my world? I don't know.

No more secrets, no more inhibitions. At least on here. Because when I'm on here everything is in my world, but when I leave, everything comes into sharp focus and I can't function. At least not well.

Sam.. when you said you couldn't notice me changing you, it's because I haven't. I'm too intimidated. I guess freshman year I saw you as more of a role model than a friend, someone who I respected, and so when we became friends, I couldn't try to change you because I didn't want to change what was there. There was no need to. It fit into my world. And it still does. And if I tried to change you at all, I'd be too afraid to lose you because our friendship is one of the only good things in my life right now, and I couldn't risk that.

I think the same goes for you, Collin. I've always been very unsure of what our friendship is, though your journal helped a bit. I think there was a period last year where you didn't like me, and I get that off of you a lot, though not so much any more. Theres always been some feeling of dislike or unsatisfaction coming from you, so I don't know how to act around you. I feel very constrained when I'm with you because I don't want to lose you either, because you've been something consistent for the past few years, unlike everything else in my life.

Bryan. I don't like you. Sorry, man. Can't be a good thing to hear. I haven't for three years. But I have fun with you. And I'm not going to deny a basic human right just because of my dislike for someone. I have a good time when I'm with you, even if I can't stand you a lot of the time. But you've gotten better. You've gotten a lot better. Especially lately.

Sable. I know. Perhaps we'll talk about it today at your party, but if not, I am so sorry you had to read it on here. So sorry. But I need to get it out. First Lance told me. Sam G had made some crack about me going out with you, and i just said "not cool, man." He asked why, and Lance, excitedly next to me, said "Omigosh! Do you like her?! She likes you!" Of course, I had already suspected it, but that cemented it. Collin later confirmed it, but not in the way you'd think. He said "I know something very crucial to you, but I can't tell you" or something like that. Thats something we do. I simply told him that I was pretty sure I already knew, and we slowly uncovered it and had a conversation about it. Then, for triple confirmation, Jim asked me if I liked you. And the answer, I'm sorry to say, is no. You're wonderful and a beautiful person, but there's nothing there. I couldn't be there emotionally, and I'm sorry. And I wish I could be there for you, but I can't.

And who the fuck knows? Maybe you like Bryan too. I felt it Wednesday. So did Bryan. And so did you, I think. I blew up on both of you because Bryan is an asshole, and I fear for your future relationships. Because if you go out with people like Bryan, you're going to be shit on your entire life in relationships and I don't want that for you. And I guess thats why I'm against it so strongly. And who knows, maybe you don't even like him and its just innocent flirting, but that's not what I interpreted it as. When I confronted you, you didn't deny it, you didn't say it was nothing, you knew what I was talking about and you asked me "Are you terribly angry at me?" That's confimation enough for me.

But I shouldn't judge you and I should support whatever you want to do, but I can't do that because I can't accept that. That isn't how things turn out in my mind. Nothing ever is. And I hate it. And I'm sorry. To everyone that I've been an asshole to because I didn't like something they were doing or what they said, or.. fuck, even what they looked like. Because I've done this to all of you. All of the friends I've had after 11 years old. Even before, in one case. I manipulate people because I don't like what they are.

And of course I don't. Because I don't fit. But that is why I worked so well for 4 years from middle school to freshman year with my friends, because.. neither did they. But now they do. And I still don't. Even though I'm changing. Everything else changed, and that forced me to change. And everything else stopped. But I keep going. Because I have all the time in the world to think about myself and my problems, and 2 fucking months is a long time to think about things. You realize things about yourself and your life that you didn't want to know, and that force you to hate yourself and your life and what you've become, but you have no other option because you didn't fit in the world that was given to you.

One very scary thing that I've seen is how my great demise started. It was the 2 fucking years. I built my life around Erin. Erin Duffy. That name seems so alien now. And that's funny, because It was my life for so long. I built my life around her for 2 years, and when we finally went out, I filled that part. And I constructed an empty shell of a real life around that. And that's all shattered, because when the core is gone, everything else collapses around it, and all that I'm left with are fragments of what I had before. And I had no real life without her, but she had one without me. And that is why things didn't work in my head. Because, I think, this relationship to her was just High School. Just a good fucking time, something that you're supposed to do and something that works within your life. But it wasn't for me. Because I don't want to be in High School. I want to be 24. In the real world, where everything is real, because in High School, it's all just practice for real life. Your life and the actual school itself. Its preparing you for what comes. I'm prepared. 2 years too early. So to me, I tried to make the relationship real, and it wasn't, and I'm having to deal with that now.

To myself at 24, when you look back and say "Man... I wish I was 16 again" : Fuck You.

I'm transition right now. That is what I have become. That is what I was freshman year, too. Transition between two stages of life. And that makes myself pretty worthless, doesn't it? I exist for no other reason than to become something else. Because the person I am now will die away and become something else. And I don't like myself now. But I think the person I am now will hate the person that is coming. I am now what I was a year ago, simply with more hate and pain and experience. I've lived more life. And I wish I hadn't. Better to have loved and lost? Not right now. Not right now.


And for anyone who didn't like reading what they did, well.. I don't know.. I guess you're feeling a bit more like me right now.

How is it that somebody can dream about the same thing every night? Or in my case, the same person. Obviously my thoughts are always on her, but.. theres nothing else. I can't remember another dream in the past several weeks that didn't have something to do with Erin... well, here's this one.. not nearly as exciting or terrible as the last..

I'm in a classroom (Mrs. Septer's physical science room, i believe), and everybody is leaving the room and picking up their backpacks (she doesn't let you bring them into class).. With only two or three people blocking me from the door, she comes up in the hallway. I don't know if she wanted to talk to me or not, but as soon as I got outside the classroom I tried not to gaze at her longingly, but failed miserably.. I got to the other side of the hallway still looking at her. Then she looked at me, finally. I started leaving and she asked where I was going because it was lunchtime and I was going to 5th hour (though I've never had 1st lunch shift which leads me to believe this is taking place beginning of next year). We started walking together and after a very short time, she asked me "Are you over me?" and I just stared at her and got really angry. I said in disbelief "Of course not!" and she looked ashamed. I don't remember where it went from there, but... sigh..

Well I'm taking a Scene Study class right now. It's quite helpful. I learned how not to do a scene, which turns out was the way I was doing it all along. I learned new methods for a few things. I've got Mary as a scene partner, which is good because we know each other and we communicate well while working on the scene, and she's a good actress, so.. yay :D

I want to find some old 50s films they used to show in classes.. like traffic safety, and nuclear weapons films..

I'm feeling terribly depressed right now. I normally wouldn't be up right now, but i wanted to write about a dream I just had..

I'ts already fading, but he is what I remember. Erin and I were on pretty good terms and we were speaking and suc. Somewhere in the dream she told me that she was going to kill hersef tomorrow. I tried and I tried but I could do nothing about it. Nobody could. Her parents knew; everyone knew. And she was going to do it. The night before, she invited me to stay the night at her house and watch some made for tv movies that were on. She was going to do it at 6 am the following morning. I tolder her in that case, I'd be up at 5. There was some other stuff I don't remember that well... I tried to explain to her why this was so terrible to me. We were standing outside of Pence school, the entrance facing towards the middle school. She had some sort of butler there. I told her it was because I was an athiest and that I believed there was no sort of afterlife. She was dancing through the field, which was full of flowers and tall grasses, almost a meadow. When I told her this, we had no time to get into a discussion about it because her butler got very angry at me being an athiest and chased after us. Erin's mom pulled up into the parking lot at this point, and I eventually wrestled the butler down and beat him unconscious, or at least into a state where he couldnt move very much, and we got into Erin's mom's car. We drove in silence until we got to some sort of suburbia where she talked about the tv movies.

It was terrible. Very real.. That feeling of inevitability, of helplessness is one of the worst things you can feel. Someone who you love deeply is going to be gone forever. And you have to stand by and watch it happen. I'm going to try to go back to sleep now, but I really doubt thats going to happen. Go ahead and analyze that if you want to evan, but I suspect it just means I'm afraid of losing her, though it's bit too late for that, huh..

Fear/Love spectrum: fear||-------------------|love

Well here we are.. no real update except for...!

Lincoln in Space, Episode 1

I've got Evan and maybe Sam working on some scripts for it, and this first strip only took me a few hours.

:D

Not too much to report today.. I was kind of dead all of today.. wasted a lot of time.. but tonight I did think of 2 fantastic ideas:

Moosevision.com

and

Lincoln in Space

The first I couldn't do anything about because, well.. I dont want to pay for a domain name. The second, on the other hand..

Abe Lincoln.. IN SPACE!

I'm rather pleased. I think it looks quite a bit like him. I want to create a comic of it. Im going to try to write a few panels of it tonight, but my mom will probably come in and say i have to go to bed, as i was supposed to 10 minutes ago. Oh well.

I guess in the past few day's I've had very mixed up feelings. I didn't feel depressed for a while the other day. That was nice in it's own little way, but it just made me feel worse, because I don't want to feel good. Funny how that works out, isn't it?

Not really, though. I dreamt about Erin the entire night last night. All were bad except the last one, which was worse for being so good. I don't remember the details now, but somehow we had gotten back together and I was happy, in the dream. Everything had worked out exactly like I wanted it to. Then I woke up and stayed in bed till 12 because I was restless because the only thing my mind would focus on was her. I somehow finally got up.

Tonight I saw the Hulk (mediocre, though 10 points for style), and right before the show I saw Sam (f), Carrie, and Lance on the streetcorner and pointed them out to Sam (m) who I was with. As we started walking to the theater from his car, Sam and Carrie both came up to me and jumped up on me and hugged me. That was nice. It was good to know that at least some of the things in my head are exaggerated. But as they enthusiastically greeted me, they paid no heed to Sam. That kind of ruined the moment for me.

And I'm not growing a fucking beard, jesus.. i'm obviously showing how I'm not over Erin and I cant be bothered with trivial little things like shaving, because, who cares anyway? But you and I know the answer to that. Bastards.

Unfortunately, just as I was about to write about friends, Collin went ahead and did it a day before I did, so I thought I should wait a while before doing it, though I won't be able to top his opening paragraph.

I, on the other hand, have 3 friends. A friend I would describe as someone who I would ask to come over to my house on an individual basis. Sam G, Collin, and Sable. I used to have more. A lot more. I think. I mean, I would happily let many more come over, and would for the most part enjoy their company, but not people who I would go out seeking the company of. Not that I wouldn't want others to be friends, but I just don't feel that way with them, and I don't think that they would with me. I think I'll go more in detail with this later on, as I'm not really in the mood right now. I guess the fall play was a golden time for everyone, wasn't it?

A while back, Erin cut her bangs. Now, this could mean one of three things. Either she was spiting me, she was showing her newfound independence, or I was holding her back from getting it cut all along. Of course, the last is the most plausible and almost certainly the real reason. I loved her hair long and straight, and I had let her know this many a time (to my ultimate downfall, but.. at least I was honest). The first few days she wore it in some styled way where they were curly and I thought it looked terrible. Absolutely horrible. I wasn't alone in my opinion. Talon, at least, wholeheartedly agreed with me ("She cut her hair.. and.. yeah..." "Nooo.." "No..."). But then, I think 3 days after it was cut, she wore it straight. Just normal bangs. And it looked good. Not as good as it was long, but good. I wish I could have told her that.

Do women think that it makes it easier on guys to cut off all contact? I honestly don't know how they would think this, but that is what it seems like... for millions and millions of guys this is what happens. And it hurts. A whole lot worse. It borrows down inside and you're left with a helpless feeling.

That is what I hate and fear most in the world. Not knowing. This is possibly my only real fear in the world. Not knowing that happens after I die. I don't fear the actual death, or no longer living. Just.. not knowing.

I just want to see her. Just once.

I want to know what she did today. How she feels. What she wore. I have no idea.



and it burrows deeper and deeper....

Well.. I'm ready to make a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fancomic. I've got some designs down, a very vague storyline, some concepts and art from it. I posted that Marvin pic yesterday, but I've decided to go with a different look for the series.. I've discovered the wonders of vector graphics, so instead of using Photoshop now I'll be using flash or illustrator.

Ford Prefect Picture

There is the version of Ford Prefect I came up with today.. I like the style.. I borrowed the idea of the ear from Penny Arcade, but other than that, it is based off of previous designs of mine and is original. The clothing is basically what he wears in the TV show, but I changed the jacket a tad to make it more like how I wanted it. I also have a picture of Arthur and Zaphod that I'm working on. I've got the Galactic Police patch, the Don't Panic sign, and the Imperatala Galacticon logo done (though I may redo it). I'm working on a logo and title for it now.

I had more engergy today for some reason. It's probably because I got good sleep last night or something, but I felt a bit peppier.

Not much to report today, aside from I figured out how to actually scan something with the printer my mom's borrowing.. so I made a little scetch from the Marvin the Paranoid Android from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tv series and colored it in photoshop.. I liked the first scetch better than what I eventually got, and I'm certainly not satisfied with it, but I think it's okay.. a very rough draft.

Marvin the Paranoid Android Picture

I'm downloading the show as I type. I'm thinking about making a comic about it, but I'm really stuck in what style to do the art in.. I think i'll go with something ultra simplistic (not stick figure or pixle art simplistic though) so it's easier for me to focus on the content.. oh well.

Well I didn't do much thinking today.. mostly just sat around doing nothing.. but I got a few songs and listened to some ones I had downloaded but not listened to.. two songs I've gotten recently that I'm enjoying are:

"Ode to a Superhero" by Weird Al
"Pepper" by the Butthole Surfers

I'd reccomend them for download.

Well today I did shit, just like yesterday and the rest of the summer (excluding the canoe trip). I'm completely wasting my summer and it really sucks. It is officially half over, I believe. This has been the worst summer of my life, so far. And it's not likely to get any better. I dont know how it was any better before, but it was. It had to have been. Or maybe i've changed, not it.

That's the problem. Everyone else is changing or has already changed except for me. I stayed in the same place and wanted everything to stay with me, but they barrelled on ahead regardless. And this forced me to unwillingly change. I'm not who I wanted to be. I think I was, last year. That was who I had wanted to become for ages and that was good, but slowly I've been realizing that I've changed too much for my own tastes. I don't like myself as much as I did before, but that isn't saying much.

Oooh fuck it.. I'm tired of my own bullshit. I'm going to talk about a movie I just watched.

Logan's Run. Wow, this is a weird ass movie. Some movies age well with time, and some movies do not. This was in the middle, leaning a bit towards not. It seemed very 70s, but also had a really nice style. I wish they would bring back this style, just on a grander scale. Back in the day, they had to change the sets to fit within their budgets. Now we don't have that problem and we have the freedom to do whatever we want to, and so we ignore past influences *cough*Lucas*cough*. On the actual movie part of it, there are some really good ideas in there, but I'm sure they could have been done better. I want to read the book to see what it could look like with some modern vision in there.

I'm not going to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't seen it, but there is a big twist in it (though I was expecting a different twist). I was hoping for a sadder ending. Why can't things end when it seems the most hopeless for the hero and the system goes on like it always has? I love that sort of thing. Not enough movies have bad endings these days. I was watching the movie with Sam, and we made a lot of jokes throughout, so I missed some dialogue and such, so I'm not really going to pass judgement on this movie other than saying that it was very interesting and a really good watch. This movie is something anybody who likes Sci-Fi should watch. I enjoyed it. The plot was very good (though very slow at one point), the sets were really cool, it was deffinately original, and for the 70s, it doesn't look like a half bad future.

I'm going to read 1984 when it gets back into the library (have a copy on my computer, but it's just not the same), and that ought to be a good read, then I'll read some more Sci-Fi classics. I'm sure Sam and my dad could help me in that category. I don't think I've been reading enough in the past year. I've been better lately, but still not as good as I'd like to. I find myself rereading great books instead of finding new ones when I'm bored and looking for something to read.

Erin seemed to have signed onto AIM today. It took me 18 minutes to IM her. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. By the time I did, I figured either it wasn't her that was on, or she was waiting for me to say something to her, because it had been so long and, I don't really think she'd sign on to AIM if she didn't want to talk to me. The only other person she would talk to would be Jessica, and she's never on and they call each other anyway. But.. back to the point. I IMed her and said "Hello." Simply hello. Hey seemed to casual, and hi seemed like a response. Well, turns out someone must have just accidently logged onto AIM on some computer that she used at one point, as she never said anything back. But I don't see how, because they got their hard drive wiped a while back, and she never bothered to redownload AIM on it. Oh well.. it makes me think if I would be able to go up to her and say anything. I mean, in a digital conversation, it took me nearly 20 minutes to say anything to her, and its much easier than talking to someone. Oh well...

My mom is borrowing a printer from someone, and it has a scanner built in. I'm trying to do more art now, mostly in photoshop, so maybe i'll scan some doodles this week and make something real. Hopefully I'll actually start making some products like I've wanted to for a while.

Ugh.. I want something more out of life.

It's sad, really, how some people can never take life seriously.

Well I've come back from an exciting weekend camping. If you could call it that. I was expecting more of a hiking sort of thing. There were tents and such we set up, but it was in a camp ground near civilization. So it didn't suck as much as I thought it would. The entire thing was kind of boring and slow and uneventful except for the actual canoe trip. That wouldn't have been so good if it hadn't started raining an hour into it. That felt nice. It was a hot day and we were swimming in the river and such, so we didn't have our shirts on, and.. man does that feel good to have ice cold showers pelting you while you're working down river. That was good, and so was the landscape. That countryside is nothing like down here in Fairfield. Its beautiful rolling hills, and becuase it's so hilly, the fields are terraced so that just makes the farmland look so much better. I heard a couple people say it looked like New Zealand, and they're right. It looks like the fucking shire. Why couldn't this area be like that? And we got in a few games of Ultimate Frisbee. Jason is a god at that.

On the trip there were about 25 guys, I'd say 10 of them being adults. The rest were kids. Davey, Jason, and I were the oldest ones (aside from the three 18 year olds who really didnt take part in any of it), Chris was 15, and there were a couple 14 year olds and it kept going down like that. I think the youngest one was 8. They weren't too bad most of the time. When I was trying to have a quiet serene moment to myself in front of the fire after everyone had gone to sleep both nights, these two 14 year old fuckers came up and started screwing with the fire and talking about stupid shit. That pissed me off. And as for the adults, the line between Man and Guy has never been so fuzzy to me (see Davey Barry's Guide to Guys). At times I thought to myself "Now these are men," but then I looked at it from another angle, and it was clearly a Guy thing. Oh well.. Overall the trip didn't suck.

Now on to some other stuff.

The biggest problem I think I've had in my life, for the first 15 years at least, was my inability to communicate succesfully to people. I just wasn't a conversationalist. I was shy and I kept to myself for most of my life and that didn't give me too much opportunity to talk to people, so I kind of lost the skill. I hadn't said more than one or two words to a girl up until the latter half of 9th grade, and I still can't talk to my brother or parents very well. I think was really helped in this matter was me getting more friends who were also much more diverse. They made me more of an outgoing person, and one of the major contributors was of course Erin. If I was going to try to talk to girls, I was obviously going to try to talk to her at the time. And it was easy to talk to her. Easier than anyone else in my life, I think. And that is also why I can't bring myself to talk to her now.

I try. I really do. Or, rather, did. I had to. As soon as she left me, that easiness in talking her got taken away. I make situations in my head, little scenarios that I work out that never come into use. The day after she had broken up with me, I worked up all the courage I had, every piece of me, and went up to her and asked if we could talk, please, after school. She agreed, and we had maybe, maybe a two minute long conversation. I wanted twenty. And I never got another chance. I was feeling to hurt and I couldn't face her. I asked her why, she told me, I said that I had already figured that part out. She apologized for whatever reason she felt nescessary, and every word I had made, everything that I was going to say just died. I couldn't speak. I was at a loss for words and I couldn't do anything. I managed to choke out that I had written her a letter and I handed it to her. In it I had written everything I knew, and as soon as I gave it to her, the second after, she contradicted it. "We can still be friends, right?" Oh bullshit. In my words, in the letter I had just given her.. "I know you will not lie to me and tell me that you want to be friends..." I just looked at her, or as close to her as I could bare, and said "I would love that. If you truly want that, then I would be willing, but I don't know if we can." And we couldn't.

Its not like its all her fault, but I have to try. I don't know if she does. In fact, right now, I don't know shit about her. I don't know if she's thought about me once since the beginning of the summer (ok, that's a lie. she wasn't at spoons party. at least i'm not avoiding you. i am trying..), or at Sam's which she would have been if we hadn't been together. I don't know if she's ever thought about me lovingly, because she did care for me (as far as i know, but how can you ever be sure?), or.. who the fuck knows? Maybe she wants some other guy right now and has forgotten me. Or maybe she sits in her room every night longing for what we had. Maybe she's feeling just as bad as I am. But how likely is that? Not very. Chances are she's living her life the same, just without me. I just wish I knew. I didn't want to sound needy, so I didn't ask Jessica when we talked (but it's not like she has much of a chance to see her anyway), but.. I am needy.

And you know what occured to me a week after? Going up to her, and saying in the softest, most forgiving voice, "How are you?" But you know what? I never got a chance, because she didn't want to talk to me. She avoided me whenever she could and never said a word to me, except once a nice "Hi" in the hallway. I was hoping that was the beginning of something, but I guess it wasn't. Or maybe I'm just imagining all this? Maybe I was avoiding her (I left Sam's house at lunch last day of school because she came, which, by the way, where does she get off? I had gone the day before and she knew that I was going that time, and she went anyway knowing I couldn't face her. I think she knew.) and she was willing to talk to me the whole time if only I had asked. Maybe thats why she came to lunch that time. And maybe I fucked it up again (though I doubt it, she wasn't talking to me when I was there). But why should I ask? Don't I at least deserve a conversation with her? At the very least? I got nothing from her. Nothing.

And the sad thing is, that is the last conversation we'll ever have. "We can still be friends, right?" Oh, FUCK ME.

And what I said earlier about making up little conversations in my head. I do it all the time. And its not just this. I try to make every dramatic situation in my life feel more like a movie because I don't know any other way to do it. Every such situation I've ever seen has been in movies, I've never been in one before. I just shut it out before this, I guess. And it ruins it. It cheapens it for me and I end up feeling more like shit afterwards.

Back to the conversations. They're situations I wish I could be in, if I were someone else. I had this whole perfect phone conversation worked out in my head with Erin that would fix any ill feelings between us, that would make me feel 300% better. But I know I could never do it. I would never build up the courage to actually dial the number. I'd forget everything I wanted to say as soon as I would hear her voice. And it would hurt too much. What am I scared of? I know I want to feel how I'm feeling because she is gone, and maybe that's just trying to make it seem more real, because I don't have much real reality. But everyone does this. It's not just me. Its a period of healing.

I don't have many responsibilities. Practically none, compared to some of my friends. I do shit all day long and I get away with it. I can push my parents because my brother pushed them and I'm not nearly as bad as him, not by a long shot. I have no jobs, practically, I have no rules, I'm totally self sufficient at my dad's, pretty much, except when he wants to cook me a meal, and at my mom's to a lesser degree. In other words, I have it easy. But this isn't as good as you'd think.

It's really fucked me up.

I don't know if I can ever hold a real job. I don't value hard work at all. I can't ever see myself satisfied with any job I could ever have. School is getting harder for me in this aspect because I don't give a shit anymore. I'll pass the class with a decent grade and not have to do any of the homework because I'm not committed. And I see myself doing this in the job world too. And I'll be miserable for the rest of my life because of it. Of course, I'll get older and more mature and things will change. But not that much. I don't see how I could work in any job for 7 or 8 hours a day with only weekends off for the rest of my life. It isn't fun. And thats what I am about. That is what I live for. I'm not having too much of it right now, though.



I miss you.

Well, for father's day for my dad I'm going on a weekend canoe trip thing with a bunch of other guys. This will be fun. The italics make it sarcastic. In case you didn't realize. I am not an outside person. And it's hot outside. And humid. And this will suck. Wish me luck.

Why do people always have to say "No, your weight is perfectly fine, I like you the way you are."? Sure, I appreciate it someimtes, but once in a while I'd love to hear someone go "Jesus you're a fat fuck.. lose some weight fatass." That would give me motivation, becuase every time I go for that bag of chips, I just think "Whats the fucking point? Nobody cares."

People need some motivation sometimes. But now that I've finally had to tell you all this, its lost all meaning. But, of course it goes for other things too.

And here we are again. What to rant about today?

The housing situation. My parents are divorced. Have been for ages, don't really know how long, though. It never really affected me, especially back then. I think my brother was hit by it much more than I was simply because he was older, or maybe he thinks it's his fault or something. In any case, my brother and I were put in legal custody of our mom, but we weren't content to only see our dad once or twice a week. It wasn't fair to him, or to us. Young boys need a father. So, as far as I remember, I came up with the idea that we went to his house for a week, then back to my mom's for the next week and continue with that cycle.

So it never affected me, right? I guess that's what I've always thought. I got used to it and it seemed normal to switch off between them, but recently Sam G. mentioned it in some manner or another and it made me think.

The benefits of it as pretty easy to see. Two households, two different parents, two sets of rules. Everything that I don't like about my moms is different at my dads, and vice versa. My mom has stricter rules, gives me a bedtime and such, makes me do more jobs, is in an inconvenient location, and she is always home. At my dad's, I don't have a room, we have a bit less money for stuff, doesn't really feel like home, my computer isn't there, my dad doesn't cook too well or much, and when he does it's fatty stuff (and I'm trying not to gain any weight). See?

But this is bound to fuck you up. I think one thing that it's done is allowed me not to get to attached to one place. I don't fully think of either as my home, and feel more distant from my parents because of it. It is inconvenient for some things, such as my friends have to memorize two numbers and don't always know which house I'm at. And I always find myself wishing I could go to the other house for some reason. Usually its when my mom comes into my room at 1 and makes me turn the light out, or when I'm stuck on my 56k at my dad's. Just little things that sort of give me a sense of longing.

To most of you, all of this may sound a bit weird and terribly inconvenient, but I've been doing it for years and I'm just used to it. It isn't as bad as it sounds, really. There isn't really too much more to say on this subject, but...

On a similar subject.. what the fuck? My dad moves from this 2.5 bedroom house to this tiny-ass 1 bedroom shithole (well, its actually a nicer house inside than the last one). He tells me we're moving a week before we do. No warning before that. I didn't even know he was thinking of moving. When we're moved in, I have no bedroom. So I sleep on a fucking futon in the living room. A fucking futon. I hate futons. HATE. They're so thin and flat and uncomfortable, and you can feel the wood through them. And I wake up with my back hurting a bit. And my dad is so cheap he won't buy me a good set of sheets for it. The thing doesn't even fit. And I sleep sideways on it because I don't like the feel of the different sections of the futon.. It feels like the bed is in 3 parts (which esentailly it is). UGH.

And so I spend most of my time in the living room. Well.. almost all of it, actually. Think if you had to do that. Luckily my dad is in his room most of the time, so its not like hes always in the room, but he's constantly coming in and out of it to go to the kitchen or outside or to find something or whatever. Tha really fucking sucks. And the only time I mentioned to him how much it sucks he thought I was joking and laughed it off. And get this.. theres a little office place right off of the living room that my dad set up his work computer (which he doesnt use... its not even plugged in), the kitchen table that we never eat at (not once.. and its covered with his papers even if we wanted to), and, basically, he doesn't use it. Hes storing boxes there. I aksed him, no, begged him if I could just have a bed and put it in there with a wall divider and he made some excuse about having a kitchen table and his work stuff, even though his room is really big and he has a big empty desk in there that he could put all his stuff on anyway. And we have wall dividers. I could put a wall divider up and it would almost be like a room. But, no. That's not going to happen.

God my dad's fucking weird..

...No, really. He's weirder than your dad. Everyone agrees.

Well... I'm reading About a Boy right now by Nick Hornby. He also wrote High Fidelity, which I loved in both book and movie form. I also want to read How to be Good by him, but I'm not sure if my library has it. I'd reccomend them if you don't have anything to read, especially if you're a male. And if you're a female, High Fidelity gives amazing insight into the mind of a male, but if you're a guy, you'll constantly find yourself being amazed at how well Nick Hornby knows you.

Well, that's all for this post. But I'll probably write another one by the time I go to sleep (after 1, as I am at my dad's )

I will leave you with scandal. According to google image search, this is, and I quote, "really cool" :



So, google. Pollution is cool? I KNOW YOUR SECRETS!!

I've got a new comment system. Everybody comment.

Ah.. A blog. How utterly pathetic. This is the level I have reached. I'm going to go cry now.

# posted by ggallagh @ 2:16 PM

Well.. My first real post.

I assume that the person reading this has some sort of idea about the whole Erin thing, but.. I'll post a quick summary anyway, just because it's what I'm feeling right now.

Erin is beautiful, she is a wonderful spirit, she is funny, smart, and deep. From the first moment I saw her I was interested in her, admittedly at first because of her beauty, but I later found out who she was as a person and that only made me want her more. For two years I had this enormous crush on her, hiding it quite well until the end. I eventually asked her out, and we had 6 glorious months together until May 5th of this year. She broke up with me seemingly unexpectedly. Her reasons, though not immediately clear, were because I tried to change her, tried to mold her into this perfect woman for me. I had seen it, and I had known it all along, and I suppose subconsciously I knew that it was affecting her, though I had no idea to what extent. I knew why she broke up with me and I had accepted it. But it just didn't click until this morning.

I am an asshole.

Grade A. I just didn't get it until now. Though I'm a nice guy, really. And what's worse about it is I've realized something. That girl that I created, the one that I tried to make Erin, wasn't even what I wanted. It was some pathetic attempt to hang onto the person who I wanted to become when I was in middle school. I had always wanted to be an uber-geek, so therefore hated sports (didn't want erin to go out for flags), liked this faerie goddess look (wanted her to keep her hair long, pale skin), and a thousand other things.

But that's not me.

Thats who I wanted to become, not who I had become.. I didn't even realize this up until about 2 months ago (which is incidentally about the time when Erin was probably contemplating breaking up with me). I'm not some gamer or movie geek, I don't actually give a shit about physics, I'm not as smart as I had thought... The list goes on. I've finally discovered who I am and now I know what I want. But it's all too late. All I want in the world right now is to talk with her, explain this to her. She doesn't have to give a shit. She just has to listen. I want to explain myself. The last time I talked to her was probably 3 weeks ago, and I don't see myself talking to her anytime soon. But it's not like its all my decision. This sort of thing has 2 sides, it's not just me not talking to her, in fact, the last several times we talked, it was spurred by me. So at least I'm giving it some effort. Or, rather, I did. And these things take effort for me. I don't function like normal people do. I don't work with people.

And I also realized I am weak. I would take her back. In a second. She cast me aside, and hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life before. And I'd take her back without a second thought. She was my happiness. In relationships, each person has a life outside the other, they function independantly from their partner. I didn't.

I mean.. of course i did, I had friends, but my life truly revolved around her. And now that she is gone, my life revolves around nothing. It has no purpose. Hopefully, soon enough I'll be able to find some sort of purpose, but at the time being, thats just not happening.

I'd never been sad before, in my entire life. Well, sure, I've been sad, but it was for an hour or two, or maybe even for a day. But not in a real way. I'd protected myself too much for that. I'd never really felt happiness, in the same way. With Erin, I gave in, I let myself become completely inveloped in her, I let myself be happy. I poured all of my happiness into one area of my life, and when that was taken away from me, nothing was left. So I've become sad. And depressed. Before this I'd never even had a hint of depression.

I remember when I was in later elementary school, my brother had a friend in middle school with him who's girlfriend had broken up with him and he had slipped into a depression. I remember thinking to myself.. "Wow.. I hope that if that happens to me, I'll do the same thing." Little fucker. You have no idea. But I just wanted something real in my life. Everything before had involved Ninja Turtles or video games or something. I don't think I experienced anything real, that I was completely aware of, until 8th grade. I had completely sheltered myself.

Too much thinking today. I'm out, and I'll leave you with this...

"Its supposed to be women who allow themselves to become isolated by relationships.. my relationship gave me a sense of location. And once you lose your sense of location, you get homesick." - High Fidelity

Fuck I'm homesick.