LOUIS RICH TURKEY BACON
11.6.03
Well.. My first real post.
I assume that the person reading this has some sort of idea about the whole Erin thing, but.. I'll post a quick summary anyway, just because it's what I'm feeling right now.
Erin is beautiful, she is a wonderful spirit, she is funny, smart, and deep. From the first moment I saw her I was interested in her, admittedly at first because of her beauty, but I later found out who she was as a person and that only made me want her more. For two years I had this enormous crush on her, hiding it quite well until the end. I eventually asked her out, and we had 6 glorious months together until May 5th of this year. She broke up with me seemingly unexpectedly. Her reasons, though not immediately clear, were because I tried to change her, tried to mold her into this perfect woman for me. I had seen it, and I had known it all along, and I suppose subconsciously I knew that it was affecting her, though I had no idea to what extent. I knew why she broke up with me and I had accepted it. But it just didn't click until this morning.
I am an asshole.
Grade A. I just didn't get it until now. Though I'm a nice guy, really. And what's worse about it is I've realized something. That girl that I created, the one that I tried to make Erin, wasn't even what I wanted. It was some pathetic attempt to hang onto the person who I wanted to become when I was in middle school. I had always wanted to be an uber-geek, so therefore hated sports (didn't want erin to go out for flags), liked this faerie goddess look (wanted her to keep her hair long, pale skin), and a thousand other things.
But that's not me.
Thats who I wanted to become, not who I had become.. I didn't even realize this up until about 2 months ago (which is incidentally about the time when Erin was probably contemplating breaking up with me). I'm not some gamer or movie geek, I don't actually give a shit about physics, I'm not as smart as I had thought... The list goes on. I've finally discovered who I am and now I know what I want. But it's all too late. All I want in the world right now is to talk with her, explain this to her. She doesn't have to give a shit. She just has to listen. I want to explain myself. The last time I talked to her was probably 3 weeks ago, and I don't see myself talking to her anytime soon. But it's not like its all my decision. This sort of thing has 2 sides, it's not just me not talking to her, in fact, the last several times we talked, it was spurred by me. So at least I'm giving it some effort. Or, rather, I did. And these things take effort for me. I don't function like normal people do. I don't work with people.
And I also realized I am weak. I would take her back. In a second. She cast me aside, and hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life before. And I'd take her back without a second thought. She was my happiness. In relationships, each person has a life outside the other, they function independantly from their partner. I didn't.
I mean.. of course i did, I had friends, but my life truly revolved around her. And now that she is gone, my life revolves around nothing. It has no purpose. Hopefully, soon enough I'll be able to find some sort of purpose, but at the time being, thats just not happening.
I'd never been sad before, in my entire life. Well, sure, I've been sad, but it was for an hour or two, or maybe even for a day. But not in a real way. I'd protected myself too much for that. I'd never really felt happiness, in the same way. With Erin, I gave in, I let myself become completely inveloped in her, I let myself be happy. I poured all of my happiness into one area of my life, and when that was taken away from me, nothing was left. So I've become sad. And depressed. Before this I'd never even had a hint of depression.
I remember when I was in later elementary school, my brother had a friend in middle school with him who's girlfriend had broken up with him and he had slipped into a depression. I remember thinking to myself.. "Wow.. I hope that if that happens to me, I'll do the same thing." Little fucker. You have no idea. But I just wanted something real in my life. Everything before had involved Ninja Turtles or video games or something. I don't think I experienced anything real, that I was completely aware of, until 8th grade. I had completely sheltered myself.
Too much thinking today. I'm out, and I'll leave you with this...
"Its supposed to be women who allow themselves to become isolated by relationships.. my relationship gave me a sense of location. And once you lose your sense of location, you get homesick." - High Fidelity
Fuck I'm homesick.
I assume that the person reading this has some sort of idea about the whole Erin thing, but.. I'll post a quick summary anyway, just because it's what I'm feeling right now.
Erin is beautiful, she is a wonderful spirit, she is funny, smart, and deep. From the first moment I saw her I was interested in her, admittedly at first because of her beauty, but I later found out who she was as a person and that only made me want her more. For two years I had this enormous crush on her, hiding it quite well until the end. I eventually asked her out, and we had 6 glorious months together until May 5th of this year. She broke up with me seemingly unexpectedly. Her reasons, though not immediately clear, were because I tried to change her, tried to mold her into this perfect woman for me. I had seen it, and I had known it all along, and I suppose subconsciously I knew that it was affecting her, though I had no idea to what extent. I knew why she broke up with me and I had accepted it. But it just didn't click until this morning.
I am an asshole.
Grade A. I just didn't get it until now. Though I'm a nice guy, really. And what's worse about it is I've realized something. That girl that I created, the one that I tried to make Erin, wasn't even what I wanted. It was some pathetic attempt to hang onto the person who I wanted to become when I was in middle school. I had always wanted to be an uber-geek, so therefore hated sports (didn't want erin to go out for flags), liked this faerie goddess look (wanted her to keep her hair long, pale skin), and a thousand other things.
But that's not me.
Thats who I wanted to become, not who I had become.. I didn't even realize this up until about 2 months ago (which is incidentally about the time when Erin was probably contemplating breaking up with me). I'm not some gamer or movie geek, I don't actually give a shit about physics, I'm not as smart as I had thought... The list goes on. I've finally discovered who I am and now I know what I want. But it's all too late. All I want in the world right now is to talk with her, explain this to her. She doesn't have to give a shit. She just has to listen. I want to explain myself. The last time I talked to her was probably 3 weeks ago, and I don't see myself talking to her anytime soon. But it's not like its all my decision. This sort of thing has 2 sides, it's not just me not talking to her, in fact, the last several times we talked, it was spurred by me. So at least I'm giving it some effort. Or, rather, I did. And these things take effort for me. I don't function like normal people do. I don't work with people.
And I also realized I am weak. I would take her back. In a second. She cast me aside, and hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life before. And I'd take her back without a second thought. She was my happiness. In relationships, each person has a life outside the other, they function independantly from their partner. I didn't.
I mean.. of course i did, I had friends, but my life truly revolved around her. And now that she is gone, my life revolves around nothing. It has no purpose. Hopefully, soon enough I'll be able to find some sort of purpose, but at the time being, thats just not happening.
I'd never been sad before, in my entire life. Well, sure, I've been sad, but it was for an hour or two, or maybe even for a day. But not in a real way. I'd protected myself too much for that. I'd never really felt happiness, in the same way. With Erin, I gave in, I let myself become completely inveloped in her, I let myself be happy. I poured all of my happiness into one area of my life, and when that was taken away from me, nothing was left. So I've become sad. And depressed. Before this I'd never even had a hint of depression.
I remember when I was in later elementary school, my brother had a friend in middle school with him who's girlfriend had broken up with him and he had slipped into a depression. I remember thinking to myself.. "Wow.. I hope that if that happens to me, I'll do the same thing." Little fucker. You have no idea. But I just wanted something real in my life. Everything before had involved Ninja Turtles or video games or something. I don't think I experienced anything real, that I was completely aware of, until 8th grade. I had completely sheltered myself.
Too much thinking today. I'm out, and I'll leave you with this...
"Its supposed to be women who allow themselves to become isolated by relationships.. my relationship gave me a sense of location. And once you lose your sense of location, you get homesick." - High Fidelity
Fuck I'm homesick.
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