LOUIS RICH TURKEY BACON
28.6.03
I'd never felt like the apple blossom before Wednesday... Id always been the other..
Right now, life sucks pretty bad. And it's not just Erin. I've figured out my fundamental problem. I cannot accept people for who they are. Ever. I have to change them as I see fit. And this just doesn't work. People cant accept that. But why should they? Why should they make themselves fit into my world? I don't know.
No more secrets, no more inhibitions. At least on here. Because when I'm on here everything is in my world, but when I leave, everything comes into sharp focus and I can't function. At least not well.
Sam.. when you said you couldn't notice me changing you, it's because I haven't. I'm too intimidated. I guess freshman year I saw you as more of a role model than a friend, someone who I respected, and so when we became friends, I couldn't try to change you because I didn't want to change what was there. There was no need to. It fit into my world. And it still does. And if I tried to change you at all, I'd be too afraid to lose you because our friendship is one of the only good things in my life right now, and I couldn't risk that.
I think the same goes for you, Collin. I've always been very unsure of what our friendship is, though your journal helped a bit. I think there was a period last year where you didn't like me, and I get that off of you a lot, though not so much any more. Theres always been some feeling of dislike or unsatisfaction coming from you, so I don't know how to act around you. I feel very constrained when I'm with you because I don't want to lose you either, because you've been something consistent for the past few years, unlike everything else in my life.
Bryan. I don't like you. Sorry, man. Can't be a good thing to hear. I haven't for three years. But I have fun with you. And I'm not going to deny a basic human right just because of my dislike for someone. I have a good time when I'm with you, even if I can't stand you a lot of the time. But you've gotten better. You've gotten a lot better. Especially lately.
Sable. I know. Perhaps we'll talk about it today at your party, but if not, I am so sorry you had to read it on here. So sorry. But I need to get it out. First Lance told me. Sam G had made some crack about me going out with you, and i just said "not cool, man." He asked why, and Lance, excitedly next to me, said "Omigosh! Do you like her?! She likes you!" Of course, I had already suspected it, but that cemented it. Collin later confirmed it, but not in the way you'd think. He said "I know something very crucial to you, but I can't tell you" or something like that. Thats something we do. I simply told him that I was pretty sure I already knew, and we slowly uncovered it and had a conversation about it. Then, for triple confirmation, Jim asked me if I liked you. And the answer, I'm sorry to say, is no. You're wonderful and a beautiful person, but there's nothing there. I couldn't be there emotionally, and I'm sorry. And I wish I could be there for you, but I can't.
And who the fuck knows? Maybe you like Bryan too. I felt it Wednesday. So did Bryan. And so did you, I think. I blew up on both of you because Bryan is an asshole, and I fear for your future relationships. Because if you go out with people like Bryan, you're going to be shit on your entire life in relationships and I don't want that for you. And I guess thats why I'm against it so strongly. And who knows, maybe you don't even like him and its just innocent flirting, but that's not what I interpreted it as. When I confronted you, you didn't deny it, you didn't say it was nothing, you knew what I was talking about and you asked me "Are you terribly angry at me?" That's confimation enough for me.
But I shouldn't judge you and I should support whatever you want to do, but I can't do that because I can't accept that. That isn't how things turn out in my mind. Nothing ever is. And I hate it. And I'm sorry. To everyone that I've been an asshole to because I didn't like something they were doing or what they said, or.. fuck, even what they looked like. Because I've done this to all of you. All of the friends I've had after 11 years old. Even before, in one case. I manipulate people because I don't like what they are.
And of course I don't. Because I don't fit. But that is why I worked so well for 4 years from middle school to freshman year with my friends, because.. neither did they. But now they do. And I still don't. Even though I'm changing. Everything else changed, and that forced me to change. And everything else stopped. But I keep going. Because I have all the time in the world to think about myself and my problems, and 2 fucking months is a long time to think about things. You realize things about yourself and your life that you didn't want to know, and that force you to hate yourself and your life and what you've become, but you have no other option because you didn't fit in the world that was given to you.
One very scary thing that I've seen is how my great demise started. It was the 2 fucking years. I built my life around Erin. Erin Duffy. That name seems so alien now. And that's funny, because It was my life for so long. I built my life around her for 2 years, and when we finally went out, I filled that part. And I constructed an empty shell of a real life around that. And that's all shattered, because when the core is gone, everything else collapses around it, and all that I'm left with are fragments of what I had before. And I had no real life without her, but she had one without me. And that is why things didn't work in my head. Because, I think, this relationship to her was just High School. Just a good fucking time, something that you're supposed to do and something that works within your life. But it wasn't for me. Because I don't want to be in High School. I want to be 24. In the real world, where everything is real, because in High School, it's all just practice for real life. Your life and the actual school itself. Its preparing you for what comes. I'm prepared. 2 years too early. So to me, I tried to make the relationship real, and it wasn't, and I'm having to deal with that now.
To myself at 24, when you look back and say "Man... I wish I was 16 again" : Fuck You.
I'm transition right now. That is what I have become. That is what I was freshman year, too. Transition between two stages of life. And that makes myself pretty worthless, doesn't it? I exist for no other reason than to become something else. Because the person I am now will die away and become something else. And I don't like myself now. But I think the person I am now will hate the person that is coming. I am now what I was a year ago, simply with more hate and pain and experience. I've lived more life. And I wish I hadn't. Better to have loved and lost? Not right now. Not right now.
And for anyone who didn't like reading what they did, well.. I don't know.. I guess you're feeling a bit more like me right now.
Right now, life sucks pretty bad. And it's not just Erin. I've figured out my fundamental problem. I cannot accept people for who they are. Ever. I have to change them as I see fit. And this just doesn't work. People cant accept that. But why should they? Why should they make themselves fit into my world? I don't know.
No more secrets, no more inhibitions. At least on here. Because when I'm on here everything is in my world, but when I leave, everything comes into sharp focus and I can't function. At least not well.
Sam.. when you said you couldn't notice me changing you, it's because I haven't. I'm too intimidated. I guess freshman year I saw you as more of a role model than a friend, someone who I respected, and so when we became friends, I couldn't try to change you because I didn't want to change what was there. There was no need to. It fit into my world. And it still does. And if I tried to change you at all, I'd be too afraid to lose you because our friendship is one of the only good things in my life right now, and I couldn't risk that.
I think the same goes for you, Collin. I've always been very unsure of what our friendship is, though your journal helped a bit. I think there was a period last year where you didn't like me, and I get that off of you a lot, though not so much any more. Theres always been some feeling of dislike or unsatisfaction coming from you, so I don't know how to act around you. I feel very constrained when I'm with you because I don't want to lose you either, because you've been something consistent for the past few years, unlike everything else in my life.
Bryan. I don't like you. Sorry, man. Can't be a good thing to hear. I haven't for three years. But I have fun with you. And I'm not going to deny a basic human right just because of my dislike for someone. I have a good time when I'm with you, even if I can't stand you a lot of the time. But you've gotten better. You've gotten a lot better. Especially lately.
Sable. I know. Perhaps we'll talk about it today at your party, but if not, I am so sorry you had to read it on here. So sorry. But I need to get it out. First Lance told me. Sam G had made some crack about me going out with you, and i just said "not cool, man." He asked why, and Lance, excitedly next to me, said "Omigosh! Do you like her?! She likes you!" Of course, I had already suspected it, but that cemented it. Collin later confirmed it, but not in the way you'd think. He said "I know something very crucial to you, but I can't tell you" or something like that. Thats something we do. I simply told him that I was pretty sure I already knew, and we slowly uncovered it and had a conversation about it. Then, for triple confirmation, Jim asked me if I liked you. And the answer, I'm sorry to say, is no. You're wonderful and a beautiful person, but there's nothing there. I couldn't be there emotionally, and I'm sorry. And I wish I could be there for you, but I can't.
And who the fuck knows? Maybe you like Bryan too. I felt it Wednesday. So did Bryan. And so did you, I think. I blew up on both of you because Bryan is an asshole, and I fear for your future relationships. Because if you go out with people like Bryan, you're going to be shit on your entire life in relationships and I don't want that for you. And I guess thats why I'm against it so strongly. And who knows, maybe you don't even like him and its just innocent flirting, but that's not what I interpreted it as. When I confronted you, you didn't deny it, you didn't say it was nothing, you knew what I was talking about and you asked me "Are you terribly angry at me?" That's confimation enough for me.
But I shouldn't judge you and I should support whatever you want to do, but I can't do that because I can't accept that. That isn't how things turn out in my mind. Nothing ever is. And I hate it. And I'm sorry. To everyone that I've been an asshole to because I didn't like something they were doing or what they said, or.. fuck, even what they looked like. Because I've done this to all of you. All of the friends I've had after 11 years old. Even before, in one case. I manipulate people because I don't like what they are.
And of course I don't. Because I don't fit. But that is why I worked so well for 4 years from middle school to freshman year with my friends, because.. neither did they. But now they do. And I still don't. Even though I'm changing. Everything else changed, and that forced me to change. And everything else stopped. But I keep going. Because I have all the time in the world to think about myself and my problems, and 2 fucking months is a long time to think about things. You realize things about yourself and your life that you didn't want to know, and that force you to hate yourself and your life and what you've become, but you have no other option because you didn't fit in the world that was given to you.
One very scary thing that I've seen is how my great demise started. It was the 2 fucking years. I built my life around Erin. Erin Duffy. That name seems so alien now. And that's funny, because It was my life for so long. I built my life around her for 2 years, and when we finally went out, I filled that part. And I constructed an empty shell of a real life around that. And that's all shattered, because when the core is gone, everything else collapses around it, and all that I'm left with are fragments of what I had before. And I had no real life without her, but she had one without me. And that is why things didn't work in my head. Because, I think, this relationship to her was just High School. Just a good fucking time, something that you're supposed to do and something that works within your life. But it wasn't for me. Because I don't want to be in High School. I want to be 24. In the real world, where everything is real, because in High School, it's all just practice for real life. Your life and the actual school itself. Its preparing you for what comes. I'm prepared. 2 years too early. So to me, I tried to make the relationship real, and it wasn't, and I'm having to deal with that now.
To myself at 24, when you look back and say "Man... I wish I was 16 again" : Fuck You.
I'm transition right now. That is what I have become. That is what I was freshman year, too. Transition between two stages of life. And that makes myself pretty worthless, doesn't it? I exist for no other reason than to become something else. Because the person I am now will die away and become something else. And I don't like myself now. But I think the person I am now will hate the person that is coming. I am now what I was a year ago, simply with more hate and pain and experience. I've lived more life. And I wish I hadn't. Better to have loved and lost? Not right now. Not right now.
And for anyone who didn't like reading what they did, well.. I don't know.. I guess you're feeling a bit more like me right now.
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