LOUIS RICH TURKEY BACON
16.6.03
It's sad, really, how some people can never take life seriously.
Well I've come back from an exciting weekend camping. If you could call it that. I was expecting more of a hiking sort of thing. There were tents and such we set up, but it was in a camp ground near civilization. So it didn't suck as much as I thought it would. The entire thing was kind of boring and slow and uneventful except for the actual canoe trip. That wouldn't have been so good if it hadn't started raining an hour into it. That felt nice. It was a hot day and we were swimming in the river and such, so we didn't have our shirts on, and.. man does that feel good to have ice cold showers pelting you while you're working down river. That was good, and so was the landscape. That countryside is nothing like down here in Fairfield. Its beautiful rolling hills, and becuase it's so hilly, the fields are terraced so that just makes the farmland look so much better. I heard a couple people say it looked like New Zealand, and they're right. It looks like the fucking shire. Why couldn't this area be like that? And we got in a few games of Ultimate Frisbee. Jason is a god at that.
On the trip there were about 25 guys, I'd say 10 of them being adults. The rest were kids. Davey, Jason, and I were the oldest ones (aside from the three 18 year olds who really didnt take part in any of it), Chris was 15, and there were a couple 14 year olds and it kept going down like that. I think the youngest one was 8. They weren't too bad most of the time. When I was trying to have a quiet serene moment to myself in front of the fire after everyone had gone to sleep both nights, these two 14 year old fuckers came up and started screwing with the fire and talking about stupid shit. That pissed me off. And as for the adults, the line between Man and Guy has never been so fuzzy to me (see Davey Barry's Guide to Guys). At times I thought to myself "Now these are men," but then I looked at it from another angle, and it was clearly a Guy thing. Oh well.. Overall the trip didn't suck.
Now on to some other stuff.
The biggest problem I think I've had in my life, for the first 15 years at least, was my inability to communicate succesfully to people. I just wasn't a conversationalist. I was shy and I kept to myself for most of my life and that didn't give me too much opportunity to talk to people, so I kind of lost the skill. I hadn't said more than one or two words to a girl up until the latter half of 9th grade, and I still can't talk to my brother or parents very well. I think was really helped in this matter was me getting more friends who were also much more diverse. They made me more of an outgoing person, and one of the major contributors was of course Erin. If I was going to try to talk to girls, I was obviously going to try to talk to her at the time. And it was easy to talk to her. Easier than anyone else in my life, I think. And that is also why I can't bring myself to talk to her now.
I try. I really do. Or, rather, did. I had to. As soon as she left me, that easiness in talking her got taken away. I make situations in my head, little scenarios that I work out that never come into use. The day after she had broken up with me, I worked up all the courage I had, every piece of me, and went up to her and asked if we could talk, please, after school. She agreed, and we had maybe, maybe a two minute long conversation. I wanted twenty. And I never got another chance. I was feeling to hurt and I couldn't face her. I asked her why, she told me, I said that I had already figured that part out. She apologized for whatever reason she felt nescessary, and every word I had made, everything that I was going to say just died. I couldn't speak. I was at a loss for words and I couldn't do anything. I managed to choke out that I had written her a letter and I handed it to her. In it I had written everything I knew, and as soon as I gave it to her, the second after, she contradicted it. "We can still be friends, right?" Oh bullshit. In my words, in the letter I had just given her.. "I know you will not lie to me and tell me that you want to be friends..." I just looked at her, or as close to her as I could bare, and said "I would love that. If you truly want that, then I would be willing, but I don't know if we can." And we couldn't.
Its not like its all her fault, but I have to try. I don't know if she does. In fact, right now, I don't know shit about her. I don't know if she's thought about me once since the beginning of the summer (ok, that's a lie. she wasn't at spoons party. at least i'm not avoiding you. i am trying..), or at Sam's which she would have been if we hadn't been together. I don't know if she's ever thought about me lovingly, because she did care for me (as far as i know, but how can you ever be sure?), or.. who the fuck knows? Maybe she wants some other guy right now and has forgotten me. Or maybe she sits in her room every night longing for what we had. Maybe she's feeling just as bad as I am. But how likely is that? Not very. Chances are she's living her life the same, just without me. I just wish I knew. I didn't want to sound needy, so I didn't ask Jessica when we talked (but it's not like she has much of a chance to see her anyway), but.. I am needy.
And you know what occured to me a week after? Going up to her, and saying in the softest, most forgiving voice, "How are you?" But you know what? I never got a chance, because she didn't want to talk to me. She avoided me whenever she could and never said a word to me, except once a nice "Hi" in the hallway. I was hoping that was the beginning of something, but I guess it wasn't. Or maybe I'm just imagining all this? Maybe I was avoiding her (I left Sam's house at lunch last day of school because she came, which, by the way, where does she get off? I had gone the day before and she knew that I was going that time, and she went anyway knowing I couldn't face her. I think she knew.) and she was willing to talk to me the whole time if only I had asked. Maybe thats why she came to lunch that time. And maybe I fucked it up again (though I doubt it, she wasn't talking to me when I was there). But why should I ask? Don't I at least deserve a conversation with her? At the very least? I got nothing from her. Nothing.
And the sad thing is, that is the last conversation we'll ever have. "We can still be friends, right?" Oh, FUCK ME.
And what I said earlier about making up little conversations in my head. I do it all the time. And its not just this. I try to make every dramatic situation in my life feel more like a movie because I don't know any other way to do it. Every such situation I've ever seen has been in movies, I've never been in one before. I just shut it out before this, I guess. And it ruins it. It cheapens it for me and I end up feeling more like shit afterwards.
Back to the conversations. They're situations I wish I could be in, if I were someone else. I had this whole perfect phone conversation worked out in my head with Erin that would fix any ill feelings between us, that would make me feel 300% better. But I know I could never do it. I would never build up the courage to actually dial the number. I'd forget everything I wanted to say as soon as I would hear her voice. And it would hurt too much. What am I scared of? I know I want to feel how I'm feeling because she is gone, and maybe that's just trying to make it seem more real, because I don't have much real reality. But everyone does this. It's not just me. Its a period of healing.
I don't have many responsibilities. Practically none, compared to some of my friends. I do shit all day long and I get away with it. I can push my parents because my brother pushed them and I'm not nearly as bad as him, not by a long shot. I have no jobs, practically, I have no rules, I'm totally self sufficient at my dad's, pretty much, except when he wants to cook me a meal, and at my mom's to a lesser degree. In other words, I have it easy. But this isn't as good as you'd think.
It's really fucked me up.
I don't know if I can ever hold a real job. I don't value hard work at all. I can't ever see myself satisfied with any job I could ever have. School is getting harder for me in this aspect because I don't give a shit anymore. I'll pass the class with a decent grade and not have to do any of the homework because I'm not committed. And I see myself doing this in the job world too. And I'll be miserable for the rest of my life because of it. Of course, I'll get older and more mature and things will change. But not that much. I don't see how I could work in any job for 7 or 8 hours a day with only weekends off for the rest of my life. It isn't fun. And thats what I am about. That is what I live for. I'm not having too much of it right now, though.
I miss you.
Well I've come back from an exciting weekend camping. If you could call it that. I was expecting more of a hiking sort of thing. There were tents and such we set up, but it was in a camp ground near civilization. So it didn't suck as much as I thought it would. The entire thing was kind of boring and slow and uneventful except for the actual canoe trip. That wouldn't have been so good if it hadn't started raining an hour into it. That felt nice. It was a hot day and we were swimming in the river and such, so we didn't have our shirts on, and.. man does that feel good to have ice cold showers pelting you while you're working down river. That was good, and so was the landscape. That countryside is nothing like down here in Fairfield. Its beautiful rolling hills, and becuase it's so hilly, the fields are terraced so that just makes the farmland look so much better. I heard a couple people say it looked like New Zealand, and they're right. It looks like the fucking shire. Why couldn't this area be like that? And we got in a few games of Ultimate Frisbee. Jason is a god at that.
On the trip there were about 25 guys, I'd say 10 of them being adults. The rest were kids. Davey, Jason, and I were the oldest ones (aside from the three 18 year olds who really didnt take part in any of it), Chris was 15, and there were a couple 14 year olds and it kept going down like that. I think the youngest one was 8. They weren't too bad most of the time. When I was trying to have a quiet serene moment to myself in front of the fire after everyone had gone to sleep both nights, these two 14 year old fuckers came up and started screwing with the fire and talking about stupid shit. That pissed me off. And as for the adults, the line between Man and Guy has never been so fuzzy to me (see Davey Barry's Guide to Guys). At times I thought to myself "Now these are men," but then I looked at it from another angle, and it was clearly a Guy thing. Oh well.. Overall the trip didn't suck.
Now on to some other stuff.
The biggest problem I think I've had in my life, for the first 15 years at least, was my inability to communicate succesfully to people. I just wasn't a conversationalist. I was shy and I kept to myself for most of my life and that didn't give me too much opportunity to talk to people, so I kind of lost the skill. I hadn't said more than one or two words to a girl up until the latter half of 9th grade, and I still can't talk to my brother or parents very well. I think was really helped in this matter was me getting more friends who were also much more diverse. They made me more of an outgoing person, and one of the major contributors was of course Erin. If I was going to try to talk to girls, I was obviously going to try to talk to her at the time. And it was easy to talk to her. Easier than anyone else in my life, I think. And that is also why I can't bring myself to talk to her now.
I try. I really do. Or, rather, did. I had to. As soon as she left me, that easiness in talking her got taken away. I make situations in my head, little scenarios that I work out that never come into use. The day after she had broken up with me, I worked up all the courage I had, every piece of me, and went up to her and asked if we could talk, please, after school. She agreed, and we had maybe, maybe a two minute long conversation. I wanted twenty. And I never got another chance. I was feeling to hurt and I couldn't face her. I asked her why, she told me, I said that I had already figured that part out. She apologized for whatever reason she felt nescessary, and every word I had made, everything that I was going to say just died. I couldn't speak. I was at a loss for words and I couldn't do anything. I managed to choke out that I had written her a letter and I handed it to her. In it I had written everything I knew, and as soon as I gave it to her, the second after, she contradicted it. "We can still be friends, right?" Oh bullshit. In my words, in the letter I had just given her.. "I know you will not lie to me and tell me that you want to be friends..." I just looked at her, or as close to her as I could bare, and said "I would love that. If you truly want that, then I would be willing, but I don't know if we can." And we couldn't.
Its not like its all her fault, but I have to try. I don't know if she does. In fact, right now, I don't know shit about her. I don't know if she's thought about me once since the beginning of the summer (ok, that's a lie. she wasn't at spoons party. at least i'm not avoiding you. i am trying..), or at Sam's which she would have been if we hadn't been together. I don't know if she's ever thought about me lovingly, because she did care for me (as far as i know, but how can you ever be sure?), or.. who the fuck knows? Maybe she wants some other guy right now and has forgotten me. Or maybe she sits in her room every night longing for what we had. Maybe she's feeling just as bad as I am. But how likely is that? Not very. Chances are she's living her life the same, just without me. I just wish I knew. I didn't want to sound needy, so I didn't ask Jessica when we talked (but it's not like she has much of a chance to see her anyway), but.. I am needy.
And you know what occured to me a week after? Going up to her, and saying in the softest, most forgiving voice, "How are you?" But you know what? I never got a chance, because she didn't want to talk to me. She avoided me whenever she could and never said a word to me, except once a nice "Hi" in the hallway. I was hoping that was the beginning of something, but I guess it wasn't. Or maybe I'm just imagining all this? Maybe I was avoiding her (I left Sam's house at lunch last day of school because she came, which, by the way, where does she get off? I had gone the day before and she knew that I was going that time, and she went anyway knowing I couldn't face her. I think she knew.) and she was willing to talk to me the whole time if only I had asked. Maybe thats why she came to lunch that time. And maybe I fucked it up again (though I doubt it, she wasn't talking to me when I was there). But why should I ask? Don't I at least deserve a conversation with her? At the very least? I got nothing from her. Nothing.
And the sad thing is, that is the last conversation we'll ever have. "We can still be friends, right?" Oh, FUCK ME.
And what I said earlier about making up little conversations in my head. I do it all the time. And its not just this. I try to make every dramatic situation in my life feel more like a movie because I don't know any other way to do it. Every such situation I've ever seen has been in movies, I've never been in one before. I just shut it out before this, I guess. And it ruins it. It cheapens it for me and I end up feeling more like shit afterwards.
Back to the conversations. They're situations I wish I could be in, if I were someone else. I had this whole perfect phone conversation worked out in my head with Erin that would fix any ill feelings between us, that would make me feel 300% better. But I know I could never do it. I would never build up the courage to actually dial the number. I'd forget everything I wanted to say as soon as I would hear her voice. And it would hurt too much. What am I scared of? I know I want to feel how I'm feeling because she is gone, and maybe that's just trying to make it seem more real, because I don't have much real reality. But everyone does this. It's not just me. Its a period of healing.
I don't have many responsibilities. Practically none, compared to some of my friends. I do shit all day long and I get away with it. I can push my parents because my brother pushed them and I'm not nearly as bad as him, not by a long shot. I have no jobs, practically, I have no rules, I'm totally self sufficient at my dad's, pretty much, except when he wants to cook me a meal, and at my mom's to a lesser degree. In other words, I have it easy. But this isn't as good as you'd think.
It's really fucked me up.
I don't know if I can ever hold a real job. I don't value hard work at all. I can't ever see myself satisfied with any job I could ever have. School is getting harder for me in this aspect because I don't give a shit anymore. I'll pass the class with a decent grade and not have to do any of the homework because I'm not committed. And I see myself doing this in the job world too. And I'll be miserable for the rest of my life because of it. Of course, I'll get older and more mature and things will change. But not that much. I don't see how I could work in any job for 7 or 8 hours a day with only weekends off for the rest of my life. It isn't fun. And thats what I am about. That is what I live for. I'm not having too much of it right now, though.
I miss you.
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