LOUIS RICH TURKEY BACON
21.6.03
I guess in the past few day's I've had very mixed up feelings. I didn't feel depressed for a while the other day. That was nice in it's own little way, but it just made me feel worse, because I don't want to feel good. Funny how that works out, isn't it?
Not really, though. I dreamt about Erin the entire night last night. All were bad except the last one, which was worse for being so good. I don't remember the details now, but somehow we had gotten back together and I was happy, in the dream. Everything had worked out exactly like I wanted it to. Then I woke up and stayed in bed till 12 because I was restless because the only thing my mind would focus on was her. I somehow finally got up.
Tonight I saw the Hulk (mediocre, though 10 points for style), and right before the show I saw Sam (f), Carrie, and Lance on the streetcorner and pointed them out to Sam (m) who I was with. As we started walking to the theater from his car, Sam and Carrie both came up to me and jumped up on me and hugged me. That was nice. It was good to know that at least some of the things in my head are exaggerated. But as they enthusiastically greeted me, they paid no heed to Sam. That kind of ruined the moment for me.
And I'm not growing a fucking beard, jesus.. i'm obviously showing how I'm not over Erin and I cant be bothered with trivial little things like shaving, because, who cares anyway? But you and I know the answer to that. Bastards.
Unfortunately, just as I was about to write about friends, Collin went ahead and did it a day before I did, so I thought I should wait a while before doing it, though I won't be able to top his opening paragraph.
I, on the other hand, have 3 friends. A friend I would describe as someone who I would ask to come over to my house on an individual basis. Sam G, Collin, and Sable. I used to have more. A lot more. I think. I mean, I would happily let many more come over, and would for the most part enjoy their company, but not people who I would go out seeking the company of. Not that I wouldn't want others to be friends, but I just don't feel that way with them, and I don't think that they would with me. I think I'll go more in detail with this later on, as I'm not really in the mood right now. I guess the fall play was a golden time for everyone, wasn't it?
A while back, Erin cut her bangs. Now, this could mean one of three things. Either she was spiting me, she was showing her newfound independence, or I was holding her back from getting it cut all along. Of course, the last is the most plausible and almost certainly the real reason. I loved her hair long and straight, and I had let her know this many a time (to my ultimate downfall, but.. at least I was honest). The first few days she wore it in some styled way where they were curly and I thought it looked terrible. Absolutely horrible. I wasn't alone in my opinion. Talon, at least, wholeheartedly agreed with me ("She cut her hair.. and.. yeah..." "Nooo.." "No..."). But then, I think 3 days after it was cut, she wore it straight. Just normal bangs. And it looked good. Not as good as it was long, but good. I wish I could have told her that.
Do women think that it makes it easier on guys to cut off all contact? I honestly don't know how they would think this, but that is what it seems like... for millions and millions of guys this is what happens. And it hurts. A whole lot worse. It borrows down inside and you're left with a helpless feeling.
That is what I hate and fear most in the world. Not knowing. This is possibly my only real fear in the world. Not knowing that happens after I die. I don't fear the actual death, or no longer living. Just.. not knowing.
I just want to see her. Just once.
I want to know what she did today. How she feels. What she wore. I have no idea.
and it burrows deeper and deeper....
Not really, though. I dreamt about Erin the entire night last night. All were bad except the last one, which was worse for being so good. I don't remember the details now, but somehow we had gotten back together and I was happy, in the dream. Everything had worked out exactly like I wanted it to. Then I woke up and stayed in bed till 12 because I was restless because the only thing my mind would focus on was her. I somehow finally got up.
Tonight I saw the Hulk (mediocre, though 10 points for style), and right before the show I saw Sam (f), Carrie, and Lance on the streetcorner and pointed them out to Sam (m) who I was with. As we started walking to the theater from his car, Sam and Carrie both came up to me and jumped up on me and hugged me. That was nice. It was good to know that at least some of the things in my head are exaggerated. But as they enthusiastically greeted me, they paid no heed to Sam. That kind of ruined the moment for me.
And I'm not growing a fucking beard, jesus.. i'm obviously showing how I'm not over Erin and I cant be bothered with trivial little things like shaving, because, who cares anyway? But you and I know the answer to that. Bastards.
Unfortunately, just as I was about to write about friends, Collin went ahead and did it a day before I did, so I thought I should wait a while before doing it, though I won't be able to top his opening paragraph.
I, on the other hand, have 3 friends. A friend I would describe as someone who I would ask to come over to my house on an individual basis. Sam G, Collin, and Sable. I used to have more. A lot more. I think. I mean, I would happily let many more come over, and would for the most part enjoy their company, but not people who I would go out seeking the company of. Not that I wouldn't want others to be friends, but I just don't feel that way with them, and I don't think that they would with me. I think I'll go more in detail with this later on, as I'm not really in the mood right now. I guess the fall play was a golden time for everyone, wasn't it?
A while back, Erin cut her bangs. Now, this could mean one of three things. Either she was spiting me, she was showing her newfound independence, or I was holding her back from getting it cut all along. Of course, the last is the most plausible and almost certainly the real reason. I loved her hair long and straight, and I had let her know this many a time (to my ultimate downfall, but.. at least I was honest). The first few days she wore it in some styled way where they were curly and I thought it looked terrible. Absolutely horrible. I wasn't alone in my opinion. Talon, at least, wholeheartedly agreed with me ("She cut her hair.. and.. yeah..." "Nooo.." "No..."). But then, I think 3 days after it was cut, she wore it straight. Just normal bangs. And it looked good. Not as good as it was long, but good. I wish I could have told her that.
Do women think that it makes it easier on guys to cut off all contact? I honestly don't know how they would think this, but that is what it seems like... for millions and millions of guys this is what happens. And it hurts. A whole lot worse. It borrows down inside and you're left with a helpless feeling.
That is what I hate and fear most in the world. Not knowing. This is possibly my only real fear in the world. Not knowing that happens after I die. I don't fear the actual death, or no longer living. Just.. not knowing.
I just want to see her. Just once.
I want to know what she did today. How she feels. What she wore. I have no idea.
and it burrows deeper and deeper....
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