On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

Why won't you learn to walk away this time..

Omg! IM UPDATING!

Well I finally figured out why my blog has turned to shit in the past few months, why it's become "this is what i did this weekend" instead of "these are my innermost thoughts." I was planning on saying "but I can't write it here, because that would defeate the whole purpose," but.. now that I'm here, I think I will.

I spent the night at Tiffany's/Xander's on friday, and after we had all gotten up, everbody left at various times for various things, and all that was left was Tiffany and myself. I told her not to complain about certain things in her life, because it was the same or worse for me. I told her how I haven't had a real conversation in over 5 months (though the one with Andrew and the one with Jenny/Gemma/Quinn were close), and she asked my why not.. then the phone rang. She took the call and gave me a minute to think about it.. when she got off I gave quite the response.. it went a little bit like this..

"Michelle and Nandi are extremely interesting people, and I wish I could get to know them more but I know they wouldn't want to because of the way that I act around people which is a defense system that I've created so that I don't become depressed again."

And there you have it, a bit summed up. I've cut myself off from emotion because if I let myself become emotional in any way, I know I'll become depressed again. I avoid subjects in conversations, avoid certain people sometimes, and sometimes situations that would require me to become too deep or emotional because I just can't handle it right now. I think I know why, but.. I'm not ready to admit it yet. Either that or I know that it isn't true. Or if I told you, you'd take it completely wrong.

God.. I just reread that paragraph and I'm such a dumbshit. I'm so emo :'( ... except the fact that I'm not. It just comes off sounding like it. My mind is completely absorbed in my music right now, so that's also probably why it comes off sounding stupid.

Well the point is that I had a nice little talk with Tiffany.. it wasn't a great conversation like i'd hoped, but it was nice. Tiffany's so cool, you should all talk to her more.

God I like making up little fantastical scenarios in my head. It's great for venting on people without actually having them be there.

God (fourth time I've used "god" in my post, heh) dammit... I don't want to be me. Or rather, I want to be me, not the person that I play out. How does Andrew do it? He's totally himself, and he has so many friends and can just be friends with all of them with no problems, he deals with emotion so well, and.. well, he's just so balanced.

(shed be laughing right now, if she knew what I was thinking)

Well damn.. I have to write a letter to my grandmother before I go to bed, and I want to keep writing in here. I'll leave this to remind me to add more/post more later: