On Greeting a Stranger on the Street...

Met my "expectations" (read: diaspointments)

Well.. I haven't updated in forever. I was sick. So shut up.

Every single song on my playlist, no matter how happy a song it is just comes to my ears sad, or hopeless. That or I hit next song, because I can't handle the others. Actually, I've only really been listening to one song for the past day.. Bittersweet Symphony by Oasis. My brother introduced me to Oasis, Green Day, Nirvana, etc back in the day. And I liked them. And that was strange, because I never liked music before that point. So really, some of the best music of all time was the first music I liked. Thank you Andrew. I never really realized how much he influenced me as a person. I mean, really, it all stopped when I hit 11 or 12, because really he had grown into a different sort of person who I didn't look up to anymore, so that kind of tore a rift between us. But really right now we're as close as we've ever been. He was never nice to me as a kid, except for a few years.

Well today.. I was dreading it because it was school for the last week, but really I realize that isn't it anymore. In first hour composition with Dunlap, she had us write a prediction of how we thought the day was going to turn out. I wrote almost nothing about school. It was just about people, and my relationships with them. And all of those have fallen apart, pretty much. Well, the ones that I've built in the past 2 years, anyway. Most of them.

Now I'm thinking about any new ones. And I just don't see them. I see myself being stuck in a rut for 2 years. And finally graduating. And it's nothing to do with anyone but myself. It's all in my head and I know that, but I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to let what things come, come.

Today in Advanced Speech, Sara complimented my weight. And I guess it's just because of the past 4 years never receiving a real compliment from any of my close friends, I just couldn't give one back. I couldn't compliment any facet of her. So I gave her a sarcastic insult ("oh, and you're real[ly] fat" or something), which is the best I can do, because I've been around complete bastards like Quinn and Collin and Davey for too long. I never got it whenever anybody talked about close friends before. Example. In an Aquabats song, the lyrics go

"Friends help each other any way they can, When you're up at bat, they'll be your biggest fan. If you're in a pit, they'll pull you out of it."

And I just couldn't relate. Because if I were metaphorically "up at bat," my friends would be the ones making fun of me. Maybe not in the most literal sense, but that feeling is always there. And I've grown tired of it and for the longest time I've wanted good friends; close friends. And I guess I have that in some ways, but it's just too feeble, and too hard for me. And I don't know if I can do it back either. Becuase I've been with those friends too long who wouldn't support you.

I truly don't see myself being happy at all for the rest of my high school career. Usually, when I start school, I feel like I'm still in the grade behind. Not now. Now I feel 2 years older than I am. I really need big change if I'm going to be happy, and I don't see that with my current circumstances. And that's nobody's fault but my own. I take it back.. I am that fucked up. God..

God.. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I can't. It's not an issue of pride.. I don't know what it is. Maybe just a matter of principle. I really don't know, but it is holding me back. But I think I just might let it, because it's too much effort. I just can't deal with all of this. It'll probably resolve itself, but if not.. I don't know if I care any more.

The best thing I can say about school this year is that it certainly is going to be interesting. Opportunities and such.